I'm Going To Miss Chris

I didn't always agree with Christopher Hitchens.  He thought going into Iraq was a GOOD idea.  And he could come across as sort of a, "foppish",  privileged prick who had been thrown out of some of the best schools in England.  But he was right about most stuff.

I've read two of his books.  God Is Not Great, and, Hitch 22. 

He nailed it, as far as I'm concerned in, the first one.  The second one was maybe a little self Agrandizing, but it was still a good read.  I read it on my last flight from Paris to SLC.  Made the 10 hours go by quickly.

He died today of cancer, caused, most probably by his smoking.  As was, well, IS? Mine.  We all make our beds, despite knowing what we know, and at some point, we must lie in them.  Even if they are six feet under.

I don't know if there is any OTHER cause of esophageal cancer than smoking.  I can't imagine one.

My bladder cancer on the other hand, has TWO leading causes.  Smoking.  Which I did from the time I was in college to about nine or ten years ago.  And to think, I was worried about my LUNGS!  Who'd have thunk it?

And exposure to chemicals at work.  Well, considering I spent about two nights a month in the 1990's standing around in some meth lab that I or my partner had stumbled into, while waiting for the DEA to come and clean it up, I think I scored on BOTH counts there.

And like Hitchens, I hope I beat it.  But we both knew that win or lose, there is nothing after this life.  And you need to live it to the fullest while you can.

I can't tolerate the, "chemo" therapy for my cancer.  Too painful.  My doctor told me I have a 40/60 chance of a relapse if I don't do it.  I'll take my 20% chance of NOT getting sick again, since he said the second surgery showed NO cancer in the biopsy.

And I'm not smoking a pack of Canadian, "Cig's" every day and I don't spend ANY time hanging out in meth labs anymore.

I'm trying to take better care of myself, but I'm pretty much set in my ways.

So, if it turns out that at some point in the next year or so, I have cancer again?  I'm going to pull a Christopher Hitchens and, "Light up another cigarette". 

If I'm going to die anyway?  Might as well enjoy something I really used to like.

Rest in peace, Chris Hitchens.  You told the truth, and you told it well.

All I Want For Christmas...

I'm easy to shop for.  I have my own money.  I don't NEED anything.

Except health insurance.  I pay a TON of money for that every month since the Republicans took my retirement health insurance away the year I could retire and kept it for themselves.  Promised it to me, took it away.  Why would anyone who works for a living vote for a Republican?  I can't figure it out.

But I'm willing to tell my family my Christmas list.  Well, AND Birthday list as well.  I share a birthday with Jesus and Jimmy Buffett.

Jesus may be, "The Reason For The Season", but I've actually SEEN, Jimmy Buffett.  So I believe in him.

I want a set of orange and black, "SS" floor Matt's for the Camaro.  That's all I want.  And I'll tell you why.

My wife's family tradition of stuffing stockings kills me every year.  I think it's crazy since the kids are old enough to know that Santa Clause is every much a myth as Jesus!  The only thing coming down the chimney in this house is cold air when the fire dies out.

I don't like to shop, and I don't want to do it.  And I don't want you to do it for ME!  I don't want a stocking stuffed with candy I don't like and big, "Assed" key chains that play, "Utah Man" that I will NEVER, EVER USE!

You want to do me a favor at Christmas?  Buy me something I can use.  Like health insurance.  Or ammunition.  I LOVE ammunition!

45. ACP and .357 Magnum are my favorite.  But I'm open to anything in .12 Gauge, too.

If you want to buy me a book?  Don't bother.  I might not like to read what you think I should.  Give me a gift card to Barnes and Noble.  And let me pick out my OWN book.  That's a gift I could use!

Or better yet?  One to, Weller's bookstore!  I'd love to spend locally!

But the best gift a guy like me could get, after growing up the way I had to, because I had no choice over my own Birthday?  Just send a, "Happy Birthday" on Facebook, on Christmas day.   That would be cool.

I hope you ALL have  GREAT  holiday season, no matter which holidays you celebrate.

Just sayin...

Merry Freakin' Christmas

This blog is addressed to wives of guys like me.  We're older.  We have some money.  We generally buy what ever we need, and for the most part, WANT, when ever we need or want it.  In the last 28 years I have taken my wife pretty much, where ever she wanted to go.  Cruises, Caribbean, Europe  and she buys jewelry.  What ever she wants.

She buys her own clothes.  Coats, shoes, what ever.  I don't have ANY idea what to buy this woman for Christmas.

So, ladies?  If you find yourself married to the same guy for 28 years, and you don't have a hobby like building dollhouses, or crafting, or, hell, I don't know, model railroading?  Then do your man a favor:

GIVE HIM A FUCKING CLUE WHAT YOU WOULD LIKE FOR CHRISTMAS!

I know it comes as a shock to most women, but we DO NOT read minds!  When you wake up on Christmas morning, and nothing you got for Christmas makes you happy, it's YOUR OWN DAMN FAULT if you husband has been asking you for suggestions for a MONTH!

You want to go see, "A Christmas Carol" at Hale Center Theater and you don't tell him?  You're not getting there!  You wanted tickets to see, Ballet West do, "The Nutcracker" and didn't tell him?  You wanted ANOTHER nutcracker and didn't tell him for that matter.  You're not getting it!

If you have a couple of leather coats.  A long one and a short one, and you wanted ANOTHER one, but didn't mention it to your husband?  Don't EVEN be disappointed on Christmas morning!

And until you have used up the lifetime supply of Victoria's Secret lotion/soap/body wash you would just love, so I bought it for you every year for ten years to put in your stocking and it's now turning brown on a bathroom shelf?  Don't tell me to go back there.

I swear, I've told lap dancers in Las Vegas that I liked their Victoria Secret lotion, and when they asked me how I knew what they were wearing?  I've told them, "I buy it for my wife every Christmas cause I think it's great."  They think I'm a great husband who really takes care of his wife the right way.  Then they realize that if was really THAT guy?  I might not be in a stripper bar.  Makes em think for a minute.  Just sayin...

You can see the wheels turning in their brains.  After all, they are all UNLV Political Science majors, just trying to work their way through college if you ask them...  But I digress.

So, ladies, if you have made it to a point in your life, that you can meet your own, NEEDS, and most of your own, WANTS?  Give your poor husband a clue.  Help him out.  At least steer him in the right direction.  If you want some sort of a lawn sculpture for next summer, or new computer program, and you end up with a pair of Cowboy Boots you'll never wear, and you haven't done that?  It's you own fault.

Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas: NOT!

I BLOG Because I Don't Have The Guts To Be A Stand Up Comedian

I grew up loving George Carlin.  Rich Little, Rodney Dangerfield.  Anyone that appeared on, "The Tonight Show."  I would beg my mom to let me stay up when ANY comedian was going to be on, "The Tonight Show".

Joan Rivers, Robert (I can't stop my leg!, Child of the 50's) Klein.  Loved it.  When I was finally old enough, and had a job while in college, to get cable TV, I had to have HBO.  Carlin and Klein OWNED HBO in the late 70's and 80's.

Gave me the opportunity to be on the cutting edge by having MTV when THEY started, too!

I have a friend who is a stand up comedian.  And I'm going to see her this weekend, in Las Vegas.

How do you know this woman, you might ask?  Was she from Utah?  Or Murray?  Nope.  We are, "face book friends".  Oh, you're saying.  You're not REALLY friends.  You just follow her and are going to a show.

Nope.  And I'm going to tell you why.

A few years ago, I was watching, Comedy Central in January.  And they have this competition where you can call in vote for your favorite comedian.  And I saw Lisa's show.  I thought she was very funny, and she didn't work too, "Blue", most of her stuff was about her husband and her son, "The Devil Tot".

My wife doesn't really like stand up.  She will humor me if I want to go.  Hell, she can't see shit but agreed to see Penn & Teller with me, not once, but twice this year, just because I wanted to go, and last month, wanted to take my son and his friend.  But I thought that if, Lisa Landry ever got to work the clubs in SLC, I'd make her come with me.  Blind people can HEAR the funny.

So, I went to find Lisa's web sight and it turns out she was on FB, and I could, "friend" her.  Awesome.  I figured I'd get updates on comedy club dates, and if she was going to be in SLC, I'd know about it.

Well, turns out, she was really working that FB page, cause she wasn't that famous back then.  And the night after I became a FB friend of Lisa Landry, I became a friend of, Lisa Landry!

She was in the chat room on FB. I asked her if she was really her, or if she paid someone to BE her in the chat thing.  Nope it was her.  We talked.  She was from Louisiana, Deb and I had just been there.  We talked about travel.  We talked about all kinds of stuff.  it was fun.  And we kept chatting for a while until she became famous enough that if she went into chat and DIDN'T talk to everyone, people would be pissed at her.

So we just talked by email.  Summer of 2010.  Lisa invites Deb and I to her tapeing of her new DVD at a club in Denver.  Put us on the VIP list!  Awesome!  We go, we are entertained, she's awesome, and we get to meet her after the show.  Now my FB friend is REALLY a friend!  We keep in touch.

Through our emails, she's told me she doesn't like to work Las Vegas, because they make you stay a week.  And she doesn't want to be away from her husband and son that long, so she doesn't take those gigs.  But she's still trying to book a gig at, Wiseguys in SLC.

Well, last month, she invites Deb and I to come see her in Las Vegas!  She got a Thursday-Saturday gig there!  Oh, HELL yeah I'm there.

Deb doesn't want to go.  To close to Christmas, too much to do.  Gives me permission to do it as a, "BNO" (Boys Night Out) so I talk, Phil into it!

And I know what some of you are thinking.  Hot, young, chick you're going to hang out with.  Leaving your wife home...

If you want to give a buzz kill to your possible future affair, guys?  Take your wife to meet the woman your friends think you're going to try to hit on the first time you meet her.  This young lady invited me and my WIFE to her show.  Because she's worried about Deb's eyes.  She really cares about my WIFE'S welfare.  Anyone who thinks different is up in the night.

Phil is coming with me to see the show, and buy his Christmas booze at Costco in Las Vegas.  And, because he's a good friend.

So, tomorrow, we leave for the long drive.  Friday, we shop at Costco and Trader Joe's (My kids have told me that I need to fill the back seat of the Audi with the vanilla, almond, cluster, crunch cereal, or they will be pissed at me.  What the hell.  They can't bust me at the boarder for bootleg cereal).

The bootleg booze will be int the trunk.  And I was a Cop long enough to know that I can, and will say, "NO, you can't search my car!"

I'll be here all week, please tip your waitress!  Thank you!

KUTV2 News Sucks Now That's It's Number One

And I'll tell you why.  I started my college career as a communications major.  Wanted to do news.  Newspaper, radio (which was a legitimate option at that point in 1977) or TV.  I spent a couple of years doing news for KUER at the, "U".  We were the five minute lead in for a new show they were carrying, "All Things Considered" for NPR.

And I learned alot about the news business in those two years.  I had a professor who was also a columnist for the LA Times call me into her office one day and told me, "You can't write, and you can't spell, and you really need to find something else to do."  And in the manual typewriter days, long before spell check, she was right.  And she also was responsible for my 23 year career in law enforcement that made me the most decorated officer in the history of Adult Probation And Parole.  She did me a favor.

And I learned that even in radio, you needed a face for TV to get a job.  I had a face for radio, so it became obviously apparent that I had no future in broadcast journalism.  And since I was already told I couldn't write and I couldn't spell?  I went with the Sociology Degree, and an emphasis in Criminology and a minor in psych.  And it served me well.  Still does.

My kids have NEVER been successful at lying to me.  I'm good.

So, now, I'm TOO cynical of broadcast journalism.  And I'm glad that KUTV is doing well, and beating the locally owned, MORMON owned, KSL that is so busy reporting positive, Mormon stories, to the detriment of REAL news.  But, this leads to other problems.

The amount of commercials is now, totally out of control!  If you keep track, they run commercials for the four minutes they sign off at 5:26, right after the weather, which is the ONLY thing most folks tune into local news for, until the National News starts at 5:30.

They do that at the end of their 4:30 newscast too. 

And they don't do, news, weather and sports.  They do news, weather and JAZZ!  That's all they cover and then they tell you they will tell you more sports on the channel those of us who are advanced enough to have DirectTV, don't get!  And on top of that, the last minute of the, "alleged" sports, is some commercial for a biker ride, or fund raiser for someone!  WTF?

They are sneaking in ANOTHER commercial!  This would NOT work if we were all as smart as we think we are.  So viewers?  Start reevaluating your selection.

And I can't end this rant without commenting on, Lindsey, "What NOT To Wear" Storrs!.  She's a competent, even great, "weather guesser".  With impeccable credentials.  But she is what, Chelsea Handler would call, "A hot mess"!

Lindsey?  1995 called and wants it's hair cut back!  And who is picking out your clothes!

I risk sounding like a Gay Guy from, "Queer Eye For The Straight Newscaster" but for crying out loud!  You dress like shit!  TOO many angles, TOO much drama!  You look like a woman from a 1930's film nor, but just a little more, "festive"!

Tonight, the woman had on a dress that had a collar that looked like she had some sort of a medical instrument around her head and neck.  Like she'd had a bad fall.

I know, she went to tsds, so she's not going to put on a tight sweater, and that's not what I'm saying at all.  It's just that the woman has such BAD taste in clothing, and hair cuts that I have a hard time believing that she could get this job at any OTHER market in America!

And most of the time, her jackets are SO tight, her mike pack on her back sticks out like a HUGE tumor.  She is a total mess.

So, KUTV, cover some hockey, give us some sports on channels we can actually get, and cut out about four minutes of commercials at the start and end of each newscast, and since your #1, CHARGE MORE FOR THE ONES YOU DO SELL!  Don't sell more!  You're making yourself unwatchable.

And I've been picked by Arbitron, at random, THREE times in the last 20 years.  And if they pick me THIS year?  You're going down.  I killed the trucking two hours on, Outlaw Country Satellite Radio two years ago, by just filling out my form, and my family's forms and sending them in.  Act accordingly.

Wrong Number

My neighbor, Ryan kept getting some really inappropriate, sexual, text's this afternoon.  One was even a picture. His phone kept going off  while we were in the, "Garage-ma-hall" smoking cigars.

I finally told him to call/text them back and tell them they had a wrong number, so he did.

The, "woman" who was texting him turned out to be a guy named, Patrick!  Oh, that's just wrong.

After Ryan told him he was NOT a gay man, and didn't want his text's any more, it finally quit.  But you have to wonder, how WRONG was that number, and where did it come from.

Crazy.