Who Knew?

Monday, I was home sick with a cold. I felt awful, didn't want to leave the house. Was too sick to go see my 88 year old mother in law on her birthday. I know what you're thinking, and stop it. She's a Saint and I love her. I didn't want to make her sick.

So I roll out of bed around noon and decide I should eat so I put a Mare Callander's frozen chicken pot pie in the microwave. Three minutes, half a turn, three more minutes, let it sit for five minutes. Lunch. I've done it a hundred times.

For some reason, this time, six minutes is too much. WAY too much. There is smoke coming out of the vent in the top of the microwave, and it doesn't smell good. It smells like a pile of burning hockey gloves. To paraphrase the great George Carlin, it's a smell that could, "knock a buzzard off a shit wagon!" It is, unpleasant. To say the least.

I take the pie and the box you cook it in right out to the garbage. I settle for an apple, a left over roll from last nights dinner and a slice of cheese for lunch, and crawl onto the couch read a magazine the rest of the afternoon.

But the smell persists. I light a small scented candle. Not enough. I light a big assed candle with THREE wicks. It's supposed to be a tropical scent. Now the house smells like someone farted suntan oil.

I clean the microwave with soap and water, and resign myself to the fact that the house is going to smell bad all day, and I'm just going to have to live with it. I'm so miserable from the cold, that it's not really a big deal.

It's still there on Tuesday. I clean the microwave with Fabreeze. No help. Time will heal all wounds, so I think it will be gone by tomorrow.

Wednesday dawns with the smell still in the air. This CAN'T last any longer can it? It's JUST a burned up chicken pot pie! How much staying power can this thing have? I've been in meth labs that didn't smell this bad! There has to be another reason for this. I'll fix it tomorrow.

Today, I'm gone all day. Running errands, getting my son's Passport renewed, and this afternoon, I figure, what the hell, it's a great day so I talk Danny into going to the Iceberg for a milk shake in the, "Bitchin' Camaro" with the windows down and the radio blasting. Spend a little time with my son. Talking about cars and college and girls, and anything he wants to talk about. Went to the car wash. It was a nice afternoon.

By this evening, I've had all the awful smell I can take. I'm thinking that maybe it's stuck in my nose, and I should use the gun cleaning kit to clean THAT out!

I got up on a stool, as this thing is mounted above the stove, and start checking it out. I see the vents, and two little screws holding the cover on. This needs to come out. So I take off the grill, and start washing it in the sink, and washing everything that looks like a vent with sudsy water. When I think I'm done I go get a flashlight just to be sure.

In front of a couple of plastic, cylindrical fans, is a metallic looking filter, about the size of the box top to a pair of children's shoes, placed in the space at an angle so both fans blow through it. I pull it out, and it's dirty, and heavy. And when I put it in soapy water to clean it, it's filter part only LOOKS like metal. It's some kind of paper product coated in silver, and it starts to fall apart right away.

I'm starting to suspect, that THIS might be my problem.

After I clean it off, I start looking for any kind of instructions, information on the metal frame where I can see that there is writing, I just can't make it out. So I get the flashlight. One of these four D cell, Maglight's that I used to carry when I was working in law enforcement. Before they AUTHORIZED collapsible batons, if you had one of these... Well, I've said too much. Let's just say it's bright.

"For optimum performance replace every six to twelve months". Really?

This is our first, "built in" microwave. I've carried the one I bought the year we got married, when it was still new technology, through our apartment and our first two houses, and it's still going strong down here in the basement for the kids to, "nuke" popcorn and has fed countless cold, wet, hungry soccer players frozen burritos. IT doesn't have a filter!

Six to twelve months? Who knew? We've been in this house almost 10 years now, and I didn't even know the sucker was IN there. Let alone that I should replace it once in a while!

So, tomorrow, I'm off to Lowe's to see if anyone still makes such and animal, and if I can get one to put in the old microwave. And this is a cautionary tale for anyone else. If you're microwave is built into your kitchen, take the vent grill off once in a while and see whats back there. If you don't want your cooking mistakes to make your house smell like old hockey equipment for days at a time.

Tri-Focals Suck

Yeah, I know. Those of you who know me are thinking, "You're wife is going BLIND! You should be glad you can see at ALL!" Well, I am. But if you all of a sudden needed to use a walker, even though your spouse was in a wheelchair, wouldn't you still be thinking, "Damn it"? Sure you would. So lighten up.

I got my eyes examined today (my Republican friends are all saying, "Should have been your HEAD!") and they dialated my eyes, so it was almost ten o'clock at night before I could focus enough to come down here and print off the forms to apply for my son's SECOND Passport. I didn't get my first one until I was almost 40. He's so mistreated because I want him to have a 3.0 grade point before I let him drive. But he's been to Paris. I should be locked up for child abuse.

My eyes are SO screwed up from years of wearing contact lenses, HARD contact lenses, that I can't have corrective surgery. And on top of that, my eyes are SO sensitive that I can't wear soft contacts because the millionth of an inch of difference in focal point between each eye gives me a headache. I could NEVER wear one close vision and one long vision contact. My head would explode. And now, I have trifocals. This limits which frames you can buy. They have to be big enough that you will NEVER be accused of being stylish at my age. And I once tried to have a pair of trifocal sunglasses. Big mistake. I could read books on beaches or in the back yard all summer. I can't play golf, mow the lawn, pick up, "dog bombs" in the back yard because all those activities require you to look down. so now, when I go the beach, I have to use the regular glasses, and a HELL of a hat to block the sun, or I can't read. So I'm not going to pay the additional $300 to have regular sunglasses, AND trifocal sunglasses. I'll just make due.

For my friends who have not gotten to this point yet, and you will if you live long enough, let me tell you some of the other things you can't do with trifocals.

Shop. If your wife sends you to the grocery store with instructions to buy a, spicific product, you better have ALL day to find it. Because even if you're on the right row, you will stand there, your head bobbing back and forth like a pidgon's goes up and down, because every can of everything from every manufacturer, is in a different print size, so you have to be in one of three positions to read it. Three positions, five shelves, hundreds of products. You do the math and tell me how much time it should take you to find, Bush's Baked Beans, Boston Style, 16 oz. can. I'll save you the time. HOURS!

Find a CD. I have a CD case that holds probably, 100 disks, looks like a wine rack. It sits on the floor. It's only about 3 feet high. So I ALWAYS had to squat to see the titles. When I went to bifocals, I had to lie on the floor to see them all. Now? Screw it, I just pick the whole thing up, put it on the kitchen counter, tell my daughter what I'm looking for, and she pulls it out for me. Eventually.

Drive my new cars. You can see the ROAD or you can see the DASHBOARD. You can't do both. Do NOT try to change radio stations, or set the clock in an Audi A6 unless you have on your trifocals and the sun is NOT shining on your dashboard. You have to have all THAT stuff already taken care of, then you put on your sunglasses, and drive away. You can see the speedometer, but changing stuff in your regular sunglasses? Ain't going to happen. I won't even TALK about the Camaro. I'm still learning it after a year.

Golf. Short of filling out the score card and opening a beer, everything you do on a golf course is done, "at distance". Like picking up dog bombs with the dog bomb picker upper.

Watch TV in bed. Unless you buy one of those TV holders they use in hospitals, and mount into your wall WAY up there, no matter how high your dresser, you can't climb into bed, tired, and hope to watch the news, and Jay Leno's monologue and drift off to sleep. You will be looking at it through the part of your glasses that let you read a magazine. You won't get to SEE the weather map, and you won't get the joke when, Jay does, "Headlines".

A few years ago, in an effort to go to bed at a reasonable hour, like my wife, I bought a pair of cheap, single vision, glasses so I COULD watch TV in bed. I lost them within months from non use. But they were pretty cool when the NHL playoffs were on. I could lean WAY back in the recliner and still see the games. So, it sucks to get old, but it sucks a LOT less than the alternative. I'm not ready for a dirt nap.

Best Buy. Worst Service.

People will tell you that money can't buy you happiness, and to an extent, that's true. But one thing that having money will do, is allow you to not have to deal with bullshit. When you have some money, and you want something, you don't have to go to the lowest bidder, or someone who claims to be the only game in town.

Me and my platinum Visa card walked out of the Best Buy in Murray today and it cost THEM $1000.

I decided a few months ago, that as much as we like to travel, I needed an iPad. I wanted something I could do email, FB, blogging, put pictures on, check the Internet, listen to satellite radio and take my other music with me on, and I didn't necessarily need a lap top. We have one, and it's big, and heavy.

When we were in Greece in September, John Saltas' iPad was much more efficient and effective at getting information than anyone in the groups lap top. So I decided this was the way to go.

And I held off because I heard about the new iPad 2 coming out, so I waited until today to buy one. Knowing that it would take a few weeks to get it, I figured if I did it today, I could have it before we went to Mexico in May.

So today, I went to Best Buy and stood in their Apple section for what seemed like forever, before one of their sales people came and ask if they could help me. When I told them that I wanted to buy an iPad 2, a wireless keyboard and everything else I'd need to travel with it, I was told that they didn't have any.

I knew that. I read newspapers. I watch television. I want to buy one and pick it up when it comes in. I'm willing to PAY for it NOW, and PICK IT UP, LATER. I understand that they sold out in a matter of minutes the day they went on sale.

I was told that this was not possible. That they would be getting some in almost every day, and if I came in every morning, when they had one, they would be happy to sell it to me. But they wouldn't let me BUY one and call me when it came in. WTF?

I have money burning a hole in my pocket and you are a retailer and you WON'T take it? You want me to get up every morning, and drive to your store in hopes that you will allow me the privilege of giving you my money if you happen to have what I want that day? WTF?

I can't pick my color, or the features I want. You just want me to show up every morning, hoping that what you have been shipped will meet my needs, and then you might take my money? WTF? Really? This is how you got to be the biggest retailer of electronics in the whole country?

They were quite firm in their stance. So I left. I don't want to deal with people who won't deal with me.

Maybe wanting to spend a measly $1000 doesn't get their attention any more. But several years ago, when my TV went out during college football season, I went in there and picked out a nice plasma and a DVD player to go with it and with delivery and installation, it came to about $5K. They told me they would deliver it next week. I told them if they couldn't deliver and install it TODAY, I wouldn't buy it. Several hasty phone calls were made by management, and I had my TV that afternoon. Today? They weren't so accommodating.

My friend, Phil happened to call me about the time I was going to drive out of the parking lot, and he told me about a place I didn't know about. simply-mac is located at 6936 South Park Center Drive in Cottonwood Heights. I drove out there, and it turned out to be a good idea.

I walked in the door, was greeted by a nice young man named, Matt. Told him what I wanted and what I wanted it for. He showed me my options, took my order, told me it would probably be about two weeks before I could pick up the machine, but assured me I would have it before I go to Mexico in May, took my money and my phone number and told me he would call me when it arrived. $978.70 later I had purchased exactly what I wanted, and I didn't have to spent the next three or four weeks showing up at, Best Buy hoping they would get in something that would meet my expectations that day, and let me buy it.

And when I told him what I wanted it for, he showed me a cool little deal called, "Chill Pill" speakers that let the iPad give off sound that can fill a room, instead of just the tinny sound of the original speakers. So thanks to, Best Buy's inflexible policy and poor customer service, I will be sitting on Playa Norta on Isla Mujeres in about six weeks, listening to, Radio Margaritavile on satellite radio on the Internet with my new iPad. Sending you all pictures and email and FB notes.

So the bottom line is, if you want an iPad, you can get it for the same price at simply-mac as you can at, Best Buy and not have to put up with bullshit. You don't have to be rich to get good service. You just have to refuse to accept poor service. And know where to go to get good service.

BYU Fan For A Night? But It Won't Last.

Jimmy Buffett wrote a song, "He's a Frenchman for the Night" about being in Paris. And I guess for just a few minutes tonight, I was rooting for, "The Evil Empire" to win that basketball game. I was a Cougar Fan for the night.


But being a Ute, it wasn't for BYU's sake. It was for the Mountain West Conference, every school who isn't in the BCS, and everyone who doesn't live in the Eastern Time Zone.

I was rooting for San Diego State, too. And that school stinks in every possible way. If you don't believe me, just attend a football game in their three quarter empty stadium and listen to the hundreds of fans they have, bad mouth you for being from Utah.

We get the short end of the stick out here in the west, and I don't expect it to be a whole lot better when we move to the PAC 12. We're still in a, "fly over" state. We don't really count. Most of the population of this country lives in the Eastern Time Zone, and since TV is all about ratings, it will always cater to them. Why the hell do you think the Big East got 10 teams into the NCAA Tournament? You think they are really that good?

And why do such shitty football conferences like the Big East (sorry West Virginia. I love ya, but you couldn't beat Wyoming consistently if you had to play in the MWC) and the Atlantic Coast Conference get BCS births? Because it's about TV sets, not quality of the game. Even the SEC is SO overrated. For every time Alabama is ranked #1 (and still loses to Utah in the Sugar Bowl) Vanderbilt and Kentucky don't win six games. BETWEEN them. But they have a lot of TV sets.

So tonight, the folks out here in the MWC had a chance to put a finger in the eye of the eastern media, and everyone who thinks civilization stops at the Hudson River, and lives in New York, or Bristol, Connecticut. But it was not to be.

Was UConn a better basketball team than SDSU? Did they play a tougher schedule? No. But they kept their composure when SDSU did NOT. Biggest game in school history and you guys get TWO Technical Fouls? Really? You can't keep it together any better than that?

And I almost feel sorry for, That School Down South. Biggest game they have ever played, too. And it kind of looked like everybody was just thinking, "It's JIMMER TIME!" and figured he'd carry the team to victory. Especially since they beat Florida last year. But at one point, "The Jimmer" was 8 for 21, and it was pretty obvious that they put too much to carry in his backpack. They still had a chance to win it, but in the end they were one, tall, athletic center short of what Florida could offer.

It wasn't, Jimmer's fault. I kind of feel sorry for him. By all accounts he's a good kid.

But as a Ute, this feeling won't last.

Now that we are going in different directions athletically, as we always have academically, I don't care what happens to them. No matter how well they do from here on out, in ANY sport, it just doesn't matter. No one cares. It's like they don't exist on a national level. They will still get a lot of local coverage, and their football games, at least a few of them will be on ESPN, but who cares?

If the best you can do for a winning season is the Kraft Foods Fight Hunger Bowl, and that's the LAST shot at a Bowl for the Utes? You're not really a player on the national level. You're kind of like "Michigan Directional" ( Western, Eastern, Central, Michigan) or, Florida Directional (Southern, Central, Atlantic). You might have a good team once in a while, but you won't be going to a Sugar Bowl anytime soon.

So this was it. The last time the Cougars had a shot to be a player on a National level. It will never happen again. And I have to admit I was kind of rooting for them. But more for the folks in Laramie and Fort Collins, and Colorado Springs, and Albuquerque than the folks in Provo. Those folks made their bed, now they have to sleep in it. For a very long time.

This Just In...

According to a friend, with ties to the Legislature, the rumour about why the quick and vengeful passing of HB477 is that Governor For Life, and BYU Drop Out, Gary Herbert has some texts pertaining to the $13M payout to the losing bidder on the I15 rebuild in Utah County, on his State phone. The Republicans don't want that to come to light.

Might be worth the time and subpoena power of someone at The Salt Lake Tribune or City Weekly to look into that before the bill goes into effect in June.

Hypocrisy, Thy Name Is, The Utah Legislature

Hypocrisy: The feigning of beliefs, feelings, or virtues that one does not hold or possess. From the Greek, hupokrisis; to play a part on stage. This from, The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, copy write 1970.

Well, in this case, the stage is the Tea Party Stage that the Utah Legislature is being made to do their sick, perverted, "Eros" charged dance of guns and bullets, and secret emails and railing against Federal intervention in States Rights, to the point that they wanted, last fall, to refuse Federal Stimulus money to help schools! THE lowest funded schools in the whole country!

Oh, you do know that when, Tea Baggers talk about, "State's Rights" they are referring to the Civil War, don't you? And that means the States RIGHT to have slavery even when the Federal Government wanted to outlaw it? It's not about, "Interstate commerce" or abortion law, or gun laws or "Obama Care" and some imaginary Federal take over of the health care industry, any of that stuff. It's about Slavery. Because they still want Federal money for highways, and education, and medical care, and Federal flood insurance, and completion of water projects, and stuff like that. You do know that, right?

Well, if you don't, pay attention.

Last fall, Governor For Life, and BYU drop out, Gary Herbert was on the hot seat for wanting to take the Federal stimulus money for education. The Tea Baggers wanted him to reject it. Too much Federal influence in States Rights! We don't want no stinkin Federal Money in OUR State.

Unless we do. While Orrin (Senator For Life) Hatch, R. Pittsburgh, was telling the Governor not to take the money anytime there was a TV camera anywhere near him, he was also lobbying the White House to keep the funding for, The Central Utah Water Project in the budget!

Educating kids is a Communist Plot when the Feds are involved. But if the money goes to help his rich friends develop the Wasatch Front? Well, what's wrong with that?

I just saw where Washington County was thrilled to accept all that Federal Disaster Relief Money for the flood damage last year. Why would you do that?

I mean, you folks down there all vote for Republicans, you LOVE the Tea Baggers, you hate Federal intervention, but you want their money?

I say, BULLSHIT! You need to take a stand! All you right wing, God fearing Americans who HATE Federal intervention of any kind, need to renounce your Federal Flood Insurance (which only exists because the, "invisible hand of the market place" gave you the finger when you wanted to build your dream home in a flood plain) and GIVE that money back! It's just WRONG for you to take that money from the Socialist Program that IS Federal Flood Insurance! You need to suck it up, pull yourself up by your Tony Lama boot straps and rebuild your retirement, "McMansion" too close to the Santa Clara River all, on, your, own! And if you don't? You're a SOCIALIST!

You hate Federal intervention in local affairs. But STATE intervention in even MORE local affairs, like what cities and county's can do? Oh, you have NO problem with that.

Some CITY wants to prohibit discrimination against Gay people? You're not so sure that should happen. The University of Utah wants you cover your gun on campus? Not going to happen. Salt Lake County decides the best way to provide law enforcement protection is to bill for it based on who uses it most? That's not right!

So, your little group of nut balls, duly elected by the people of Utah, who don't read anything they don't buy at Costco (or Deseret Book), now want to control not only what happens in the State of Utah, but in the Federal Government and every local county, and city government with your own narrow standard of what is right and wrong.

Not only are you Hypocrite's of the highest order, you are suffering from delusions of grandeur that can only be compared to BYU thinking they are as important on the national college sports scene as Notre Dame! And that they can make it as an independent! TOTALLY crazy!

Now, repeal the secrecy bill, quit trying to out, "Tea Bag" each other, realize that you can't exist as a state, without Federal money, whether you think the President is a Muslim or not (for the record, he's a Methodist. Don't you remember vilifying his Pastor when he was running? Short memory on you, "R's") and get on with running the state.

You have proven you CAN do good things. Like balance the budget. But you still try to out, "Mormon" each other by closing liquor stores that are MAKING MONEY, just show you're hard on liquor. Don't close the one in Layton closest to the former Majority Leader in the Senate, OK? He was a good Mormon, Republican. And a hypocrite.

Do what's right for the people of the state. ALL the people, not just the ones who would vote for you.

Living here as long as I have, I'll file this under, "Falling On Deaf Ears" but at least I took my shot.

"N-Word", "F-Word"? NO. Just SAY It!

We have to talk about language in this country. And we have to have this conversation now. Did anyone watch, "60 Minutes" tonight?

I just tried to Google, "Nigger" so I would get the spelling right. Niger, Neggar, Neggir, I honestly did NOT know how to spell the word. I've HEARD it my whole life. But I've never had occasion to use it. In print. I admit, I was born in the late 50's, grew up in the 60's, so I've USED it. I'm not proud of that. But I have to be honest.

And any white guy who grew up when I did, who says he never used it? He's lying. It was part of our culture in the 60's and even into the 70's.

Recently, a guy in the south, edited, Mark Twain's book's, "Huckleberry Finn" and, "Tom Sawyer" to exclude the 219 uses of the word, "Nigger". He used, "Slave". Instead of, Nigger.

This is wrong. Twain wrote this in the 1850's, before slavery was abolished. And by all accounts, by scholars who study this stuff, he used the word, Nigger on purpose, because he wanted to show how racist our society WAS at the time! It's not just a Novel, it's also a historical account of what we, as Americans were thinking and doing at the time.

Taking the, Niggers out is just wrong.

It was common use at the time, and we should understand that, and realize that we don't use that word now to refer to Black People, or, African Americans. It's hurtfull, racist, and conjures up imagery of lynching, and the Klu Klux Klan. It's a bad word, and we should never, ever use it.

If your white.

But if you're Black? Well, calling someone, "Your, Nigger" is a good thing!

WTF?

Help me out here, Black People. If you don't want anyone to use it, and you should, why are YOU still using it?! Is it bad or not?

If you call me a, "Cracker", or a, "Hill Billy", I'm guilty as charged. I'm from West Virginia. But my dad was a rocket scientist, and my mom has a college degree. And so do I. And I'm a Liberal and in favor of equality, even for my Gay friends. And that was TOUGH when I was a COP, because it wasn't popular.

I'm the only Hill Billy you know who WON'T call you a, Nigger. I won't use the word.

Oh, wait. I might. I was in Law Enforcement for 20+ years.

And I have to agree with, Chris Rock. He said in one of his shows, "I love me some Black People. But when I go to a cash machine in Los Angeles at night, I'm worried about NIGGERS!"

True story, Chris. I'm white as the day is long. But when I go the cash machine in West Valley City, I'm worried about, "Spam Sucking, Trailer Trash who lives in Chesterfield". White Trash.

White Trash as a term, has sometimes been called, "racist". Because it adds, "trash" to White. Nope. We all know that it's the equivalent of white people who live in NICE neighborhoods, describing the people they DON'T want to be.

And the Black People I know, and it's very few since I live in Salt Lake City, know the difference between, Niggers, and Black People.

So lets quit using the term, "N-Word", and, "F-word" because it's just fucking wrong. Use the language! All of the words. It's a great language.