High School. My Experience v. My Son's.

Tomorrow night is Murray High Schools Homecoming Dance.  No, I'm not going.  But my son is.  And he and his friends have been planning this for weeks.  And it's complicated.

When I wanted to go to Homecoming, or any other dance for that matter, 30+ years ago, at this very same, Murray High School, you asked a girl a couple of weeks in advance, they accepted (or not, I heard.  I got turned down for all kind of other dates, but never for a dance), you ordered a corsage when she told you her dress color, and after the dance, you went out to dinner at, The Heather, The Della Fontana, or the restaurant that used to be on the top of, The Tri Arc Motel downtown and that was the end of it.

Now?  Not so much.

My son and two of his soccer playing buddies are all going together, and they had to come up with unique ways of asking the girls out, a month in advance.  Yard signs, covertly delivered messages to their houses in the middle of the night.  What's next?  Billboards, sky writing?

Then, the girls are responsible to respond in kind.  My son's date responded affirmatively, but didn't put his name on whatever she delivered to him, so there was a day or two there where the conversation I heard between him and his mother left some doubt about whether or not she knew it was HIM who was asking her out!

I think for a while she though he was his friend, Jadon's, "mailman".  Complicated.

As a parent, if he had asked me to drive him and his date to this dance and dinner, I would have done so.  I would have had the Audi washed, too.  Since he doesn't have his drivers license yet, I asked him if that's what he wanted.  Nope.  He and his buddies had a plan.

His two buddies come from large families.  Both other families have large, SUV's, as a necessity.  In my day, they would have been station wagons, or vans, but that's another blog.  Anyway, they have the means to get there all together.  And talking to the, "other soccer moms", I was convinced that they had worked all this out.

One mom would drive TO and the other HOME.  Dinner BEFORE the dance these days and then home.

Not so fast.  They have to have a day activity.  Really?  So now, you have to have all day transportation, buy everyone lunch, and admission to some amusement park in Draper (no, it's not Boondocks or that haunted circus thing, but I can't remember what he told me it was)?  And you have convinced one of your mother's to go along with this and sacrifice her WHOLE day to drive you around?  Yeah, or course, Dad.  Well, sort of.

OK, here it comes.

Last night, Thursday, T-Minus less than 48 hours to this rocket ship taking off, I get informed that Soccer Mom #1 can't get off work and my son will have to take my car, drive himself and his mom (who, while blind, still has a valid Utah Drivers License so she can be the licensed adult in the car for his learners permit) and three others of his group, to the day activity, while his sister drives the other three.

"Son, have you talked to your sister about this?"  Come to find out not only no, but Hell No, was her response.

Then the story changed.  Soccer Mom #1 thinks I should have to share the driving, so we have to do it this way.  Really?  As many rides over the years I've given her kid to soccer practice, games, and meals I've fed him, I need to chip in?  This does not sound right.  Soccer Mom #1, (SM1 from here on out) would NEVER, in my wildest dreams, pull shit like that!  She is not capable of thinking this way.  But my son, and her son are.

23 years as a PO is starting to pay off.  I'm connecting the dots.

I ask my wife to call SM1 last night and confirm this story.  Because if it's true, the most seat belts I have in any car that I don't store at my mother's house is four.  This will not get six teenagers to a dance.  So I have to make arrangements to rent a seven passenger van, a limo, or get a taxi!  My wife refused to do it.  At 9:30 at night.  It's too late.  Really?

I'm so tired of being married to the most stubborn woman on earth.  One of these days, I'm going to have to ask her, with the threat of ending our marriage, if she would call 911 if I shouted at her, "Debra Jo, CALL 911 NOW!" or if she would respond, "Why?" instead of, "I'm dialing, what do I tell them?" even if she can't see whats going on.  She could HEAR the fight or the gun shots.

We've been together 28 years.  You can't hear the gun battle I'm having with my son right now?

So, I call SM1 and tell her this whole story.  I also tell her that if the problem is gas money?  I'll be happy to buy some.  If it's her schedule?  I'll rent the van.  If it's any other problem, I'll rent the van/limo/taxi, whatever it takes to let these boys go to their first high school dance, all together.

She asks me if I'm on drugs.  She's been telling the boys for weeks that she has been planning on driving her big assed, SUV all day, so they can all go together, and YES, she will take them to the day activity.  And YES, she will get them to dinner BEFORE, and the dance.  And YES, SM2 has agreed to pick them up and take them home.  And NO they knew full well I didn't have a car that could do this, so they didn't expect me to drive.

I told her, that in light of that, if she will come over and pick me up on Saturday afternoon, I would take her to Costco and buy her a tank of gas in said, SUV for her doing this.  And happy to do it. God bless her. And I don't believe in God, so that's saying something.

They, it appears, also have to have an AFTER dance activity.  This seems weird, but I guess I should be happy it's not what OUR after dance activity usually was.  Many times involving a bottle of Annie Green Springs, a joint, and someone loosing their virginity.

They decide that they wanted to come over to my house, and light a fire in the bowl I have on the patio, and make Smoores until it's time for the girls to go home.  Very wholesome, very appropriate.  And I can watch their reflection on the windows while I'm watching college football late at night!

But tonight, my son, while up in his room, VIRTUALLY feet from me, sends me a message in Face Book chat instead of walking down here to talk to me and asks if I've, "cut wood" for tomorrow", meaning split some logs for his fire.  And telling me they might go to a Haunted House after the dance instead, if I hadn't.

No you won't.  You would stand in line for hours with your dates in dance dresses.  Are you smoking crack?  And by the way, what are you going to use to roast these marshmallows?  And why, are you changing the plans again less than 14 hours before you pick up your dates!?

This whole first date/dance thing has been so screwed up, if he was still alive, it would be a Warren Zevon song.  Or a Hunter S. Thompson short story.

Years ago, the NCAA had a rule that Freshmen, even on scholarship, could NOT play in Varsity games.  They had to have a year to adjust to college life.  And I'm thinking that would be a good rule in high school these days.  Not in athletics, but in all high school activities!

You need to get you drivers license so your parents don't have to change their whole day to take you to a dance that lasts two hours!  And, that dance that lasts two hours?  It should NOT last ALL DAY!

And if you mother and I spend more than $200 dollars for you to go to a dance?  WE should have some time alone to get laid!  Even if you don't, "get lucky"?  You already DID!  You have US for parents and we pay for your shit!

Enjoy it.  We'll make you miserable latter in life.  Trust me.

Dinner and a corsage v. ALL THIS SHIT!?  Yeah, I know, I'm getting to the point in my life where I wake up in the morning and look in the mirror when I go to shave and say, "Dad?".    But still, I think this is a bit much for a Homecoming dance.