Ohio State is Offically The Dumbest University Next To BYU In The Country

Jim Tressel, the head football coach at, "THE Ohio State University" made all the kids suspended for violating NCAA rules about selling rings and jersey's and shit, PROMISE to come back next year so they could serve their 5 game suspension, or he wouldn't let them play in the Sugar Bowl.

Wow! That's tough, Coach. Totally punishing them. Any one want to bet how many don't bother to return next year. I'm picking ALL of them!

They get the Bowl Game, you get the national spotlight, and some time between the Sugar Bowl and the time to declare for the NFL draft, there is going to be a family emergency, or, "situation" that makes them have to declare for the NFL draft, because, "My Momma needs a house" or some other shit like that happens.

If Jim Tressel is really this stupid, then so is THE Ohio State University for keeping him on as their head football coach!

The whole bunch of them should be suspended for the Bowl Game, and the coach should be fired if this happened on HIS watch! But it won't.

Because, like at USC, nothing happens while you are winning, it happens several years after the violations occurred, so you can not have to accept the kind of punishment, SMU got years ago. They got caught, punished and it killed their football program for years.

You can't have THAT happen to USC, or Ohio State for crying out loud! That would be awful! And SO deserved! They cheat, they lie, and they win. And only years after do they get caught.

Try to pull that shit off at Central Michigan, or Troy State, or Middle Tennessee and see if you can. Bullshit. Since there is no TV audience to lose there, they will come down HARD on you.

So, THE Ohio State University, you have just given a black eye to the entire state of Ohio, and all the other universities in Ohio by being such a dumb ass institution that you let liar's, cheats, dirt bags represent you in a Bowl Game after you got caught by letting them off on the PROMISE of returning next year to take their punishment. Like that's going to happen.

You are now officially the dumbest "University" next to, BYU, who thinks they are, Notre Dame and can make it in football as an independent. Because like them, you think you are above the rules, and no matter what you do, you will be OK. You might pull it off. But the rest of college football is watching. And Jim's going to take the fall for it. Because your athletic director won't.

I hope Mr. Tressel likes his sweater vest with a Youngstown State logo on it.

You cheating bastard know what you did, and you don't care. But you will pay the price at some point. And I can't wait to see it.

ESPN Is Killing College Football

I had to take my son and his friends to the ski bus in four wheel drive early this morning because of the ten inches of snow we got over night. Cleared my driveway and my neighbors walks with my snow blower, then ran a snow shovel out to a friends house who lives sixty blocks west of me (long story) and then go to a doctors appointment. So I didn't get to watch college football Bowl Games today until later in the afternoon.

But it didn't take long to realize that ESPN is killing the game, and the NCAA needs to take it away from them.

I admit, I'm addicted to the Bowl Games, even when I don't have a horse in the race, I can't stop watching. So I've been glued to the TV for the last several days. And I've seen the bottom of the screen, "ticker" tell me all about Brett Favre ten times an hour for the last 48. We get it. Now shut up. As a matter of fact, why can't they go back to the way used to do that? Running a line of important SCORES and headlines on, "The 8's" for a minute or so. I'm watching college football, if I was interested in all that other shit, I could go to ESPN News, or better yet, the Internet and get it without all the other bullshit.

Tonight, during the first half of the Holiday Bowl, ESPN's relentless promotion of all things, ESPN, screw actually COVERING sports, or giving the viewer's what they want, reached it's peak.

You can call my a misogynist if you like but it's not true. You can tell me I'm a, "hater" which is not true either, but I have to tell you something. No one in this country cares about women's basketball. If they did, the women's game would get as much coverage as the men's, the Women's professional league would play in the winter and we would still have a team in Salt Lake City.

I hate the NBA, can't stand it because the guy who owns the local franchise sold my favorite team of all time, The Salt Lake Golden Eagles Hockey Team down the road years ago and I have never forgiven him for it. And I'll never buy a car from any of his dealerships (any one remember the, "BOYCOTT MILLER, THE EAGLE KILLER" t-shirts?) But I can name you a hand full of NBA players.

Quick, anyone, name me10 women who play in the WNBA who aren't named, Lobo! Can't do it can you?

While Washington is beating Nebraska, which NO ONE thought would happen because Nebraska beat them by 35 points in September, ESPN kept cutting my screen in HALF to show the UCONN Women's basketball team about get beat for the first time in 90 games. I don't care! Give me back my football game!

Great for UConn, good on ya, great streak, sports history, no doubt. But, I don't care! I'm watching football!

And the worst part of this, the game is on live, in HD on ESPN2! I knew this. I'm pretty sure the 500 or so people who care about women's basketball nation wide knew this, so if we all wanted to see it, we could just click down from channel 206 on DirectTV to Chanel 209 and catch it in all it's, full screen, HD, glory! BUT NO! I have to watch football on HALF of my 42 inch plasma screen so they can promote what's on their other channels to a bunch of people who DON'T CARE!

I didn't look, but I bet the people watching the basketball game didn't have to share THEIR screen with the Holiday Bowl. I'm just sayin...

They do it with men's basketball too, and it drives me crazy. I already know you're covering the game on ESPN2, or ESPNU or ABC. If I gave a shit I'd already be watching it instead of FOOTBALL! Show me the game.

Note to ESPN, no one gives a shit about the men's game either until March, so lighten up.

My son is a great soccer player. Might have the potential to go on to play in college, or ever professionally. I know that even if that came true, his relatives back east would probably never see him play, and couldn't care less. I LOVE the NHL, but it doesn't get much love from American TV, so I watch what I can, when I can and realize I'm not in the majority on this.

By the way, the last time I looked up attendance, the NHL out draws the NBA in the actual amount of people who buy seats to see a game live. I guess because NHL fans can afford tickets? Just guessing.

So, ESPN, the next time the next great thing is happening in Women's' basketball, or curling, bowling, or even, for that matter, horse racing, which no one who doesn't own one cares about, just let it go to your other network and leave the football alone! You already own it all, now you have an obligation to let us watch it. All of it. Full screen.

Blond Jokes. I'm Doing This By Request.

My FB friend, Shannon Renner was throwing out some, "Blond Jokes" tonight. Shannon is awful pretty. And blond. So I told her I had the best, "Blond Joke" ever, but it wouldn't fit on a FB post, and it might offend people, so I sent it to her on email.

She thought it was so funny, that I should post it on my blog, in HER name, so it could go out on FB. OK, I'll do it, but I'm doing it for, Shannon.

This joke contains adult content, and adult language. Reader discretion is advised.

A guy walks into a Florida bar, and he has a four foot long alligator on a leash. This gets every one's attention. He picks up the alligator, puts it on the bar, orders a beer and says, "I'll bet anyone a drink, that I can put my dick in this alligators mouth for a full minute, and nothing will happen to me. Any takers?"

Well, it's Florida! Everyone knows alligators, and everyone takes the bet. No WAY this guy is gong to have a dick in a minute.

Guy whips out his dick, puts it in the alligators mouth, looks at his watch, times a minute and then hits the alligator on the back of it's head really hard with a beer bottle, the gator opens his mouth and the guy has not a mark on his dick, which is STILL all there. It's amazing.

As he's collecting his drinks, the guy says to the bar, "Anyone else want to try that?"

From the back of the bar, a BLOND chimes up and says, "OK, I'll do it. But when we're finished? Don't hit me with the bottle, OK?"

Now, is that the best, "Blond" joke ever or not? Tell Shannon, not me. I'm just the messenger.

Game Day. I Love The Smell of Optimisim In The Morning. It Smells Like Victory! Fat Chance.

At 0300 hours on Wednesday morning it's raining hard enough to wake me out of dead, and alcohol enabled, sleep. This is not a good sign. The night before, a few short hours ago, the weather guy on the local Fox channel said he thought the rain might let up by game time. How sad is it that you are hoping beyond hope that the guy on FOX is telling the truth? Just this once, maybe? I hope, I hope, I hope!

We got nothing to do today. We grab a breakfast sandwich at McDonald's, buy a newspaper and head back to the condo to read it. Our plan is to go to the Sam's Town Casino out by the football stadium early in the afternoon, grab a bite to eat for lunch, pick up the chocolate's that, "Amarillo" told me I could find there, and then meet our friends to tailgate for a while. Smoke a cigar, have a few drinks.

People think I'm crazy for bringing booze to Las Vegas from Utah, but I bought my friends a 12 pack of cans of Fat Tire Ale in an LV Albertson's store the night before, an it was $18! I don't drink a lot of beer anymore, but I think that's a lot for a 12 pack of anything that hasn't been distilled in another country. Or isn't being served in a bucket on a beach.

My wife and I discovered, Trader Joe's Store's years ago. And we love them. And the one in Henderson is the closest one to Salt Lake. If you are not familiar with this particular grocery store chain, think whole foods without the attitude, better service, and cheap alcohol of every variety. Oh, and everything is cheaper.

We will never have one in Utah because our liquor laws are as goofy as Gary Herbert is corrupt. Uneducated. Stupid. OK, I'll quit, but you KNOW I could go on.

So, I figure I'll go there and shop a little. I love their vanilla nut cluster cereal, but so do my kids and when we buy it, I never get any before it's gone. So this time I bought four boxes and hid 3 of them in the garage when I got home. I have plenty of wine at home, so I passed on the $36 case of, "Two Buck Chuck". But I did buy a bottle of Jack Daniels to bring home, since I haven't had that for a while. I'm a member of the, Tennessee Squires, but have found whiskey's that I like better as I've gotten older, so I don't drink, Jack much anymore.

Then we head for the stadium, and hope to find Sam's Town and get chocolate and maybe a sandwich in a coffee shop before we go tailgate.

Thank heaven's for the GPS in the Audi or we might have ended up in Arizona. But we do get to, Sam's Town. This is a locals casino. Movie theaters, .50 Cent roulette, the coffee shop's replaced by, TGI Friday's. And we find out, the Ethyl M's packed up and moved out of there four years ago. So much for, Amarillo's good advice.

I'd rather smoke a turd in hell than ever eat another meal at a, TGI Friday's. So Phil and I opt for the, "deli" in the casino to try and get a sandwich. It's not busy (I'll soon find out why), and the prices are reasonable.

I quickly drop $20 playing .50 Cent roulette, paying my Nevada property taxes and we go get lunch.

The menu is all over the place, and to my surprise, "Cuban Sandwich" is on there.

I first had a, Cuban Sandwich in Havana, Cuba in October of 2003. Went into a bar there with a bunch of other people on the KUER Cultural Exchange Tour and thought it was odd that a country would have, on it's menu, a sandwich, named after itself.

After all, there are plenty of sandwiches that are, without question, American. Cheeseburger, Patty Melt. Anything, "open face" from turkey to roast beef. But we don't have, even with the American Cheese, grilled cheese, an, "American Sandwich".

So, in Cuba it's pulled pork, sliced ham, casa nuevo, mustard and pickles on a baguette. In Miami, you might get provolone. In New York, it's Swiss cheese. In every case, the cheese is white, mustard and pickles are involved and it's served on the equivalent of, French Bread. It's not toasted, grilled, fried or otherwise exposed to heat, except from the meat that is in it, in any way.

Phil ordered a French Dip and fries, and he's eating WAY before I get my Cuban. I wait. And wait. And wait. I finally asked them why, and they tell me it's in the pannini press.

WTF? A CUBAN sandwich, in a pannini press? There is not a PANNINI press in ALL of CUBA! No one there can afford it! Who told these people to do THAT?

When I finally get it, it's burned to death on one side. Crispy, black and not edible. I make them give me back my money. I'll go to the game hungry. But I stood up for Cuban Sandwiches everywhere.

We park, for $10 in a lot that was so gooey I wouldn't have gotten out of it without the quattro. Meet our friends, and have a really nice few hours. Smoking cigars, having drinks. Catching up. At this point, we still have thoughts of actually winning the game.

It's raining like hell but we don't mind. We have a picnic table under a roof. And we just enjoy each other's company. And, by game time, the rain has all but stopped. I grab a beer, a burger and some garlic fries in the stadium and we watch the game. Shortly after it started, I'm on double Jack Daniel's, and can't believe I drove through all I went through to watch my team fall this far apart.

3 points? Really? That's all you could do? Everyone who was second guessing the quarterback situation all year? Really? You wanted THIS? Really? Oh, the horror.

I now know how all those Alabama fans felt two years ago in NOLA when we kicked them to the curb. I actually got to rub their noses in it the next morning in the lobby of the Intercontinental in NOLA, and it felt good.

My wife and I went out early to get a newspaper and a breakfast biscuit someplace on Bourbon Street. And coming back into the hotel lobby, in our, "UTAH' shirts there was a whole line of, "bama" fans waiting for buses/taxis, etc. to leave town. And after a whole week in town of listening to them yell, "ROLL TIDE" in our faces every time you got NEAR one of them, the silence was AWESOME! I walked in, looked at the line and said, as loud as I could, "Geez, Honey. Ain't no one, "ROLL TIDE'N" US THIS Morning, is there!" Stayed silent in that lobby. One guy took the bait and hollered, "Roll Tide!" To which I replied, as I took the escalator up to our room, "Around the bowl and down the hole! HAHAHAHAHAHA!"

I left town the next morning too early to see any Boise State fans, and that's probably a good thing. I had a handgun, and a lousy attitude.

Phil drove home. I didn't feel too good but I blame breakfast, not the previous nights alcohol. I was in bed by midnight. And he likes to drive the Audi.

PJ O'Rourke once called the chicken fried steak, "The Nevada State Bird" and he might be right. But the one I had at the, Orleans on the morning we left town was great, but an hour later, I was feeling awful and tossed the keys to Phil.

By about 5:30 on Thursday, our odyssey was over, and we were home. The Utes lost, we saw some shit we wish we hadn't. Lived through some shit we probably shouldn't have except for German engineering. And it was less of a, "Boy's Night Out" than I had hoped. But more of one than you could hope for. A good time was had by all.

Now, if I can just figure out where to get some, Ethyl M's chocolate's and lap dance by someone who I'd actually LIKE to have in my lap the next time I get to go there, I might go to Las Vegas again. But not for a while.

Part 3. Now That we've Seen The Pawn Shop, What Do We Do For Two Hours?

I'm going to admit right up front what a lot of men will not. Or are not permitted to admit in close proximity to friends and family. I still like to go to a stripper bar once in a great while, and if you don't do it in Las Vegas, you are missing a great opportunity.

Phil? Not so much. He's never been comfortable in these places, it's not where he likes to spend his money and if given the choice, he'd just avoid the place all together.

But he's a good friend, so he'll humor me. And I'll buy his beer.

The Olympic Garden used to be the premier, "shaker" bar in Las Vegas. You couldn't get into the place on Friday or Saturday night. Six stages, no waiting. Pretty girls as far as the eye could see. You actually had to have on a shirt with a collar to get into the place. It was a nice club.

One time years ago as a friend and I were walking toward the place from our hotel, a cab driver pulled up to us and asked if we were going to the OG. When we told him we were, but didn't need a ride as it was only a block, he offered to pay us $5 if we'd let him drive us up to the front door. I have to assume this means that for every cab full of, "big spenders" he brings in, the club was giving him a kick back in the $20 range. We took the ride, I didn't take his money. And this was a Sunday night! The place was packed.

Now, it's a dump. There must be 50 stripper bars in Las Vegas now, and the ones that seem to attract NFL players who end up suspended by league, must be nice. I don't know. I just got comfortable going in to the OG, lots of free parking I guess, and keep going. But I think I'm through.

We walk in, and there are hardly any people in the place, and no girls on the stage and this is lunch hour on a holiday week. Should have turned right around, but ah, what the heck, I'll buy a beer, and see what happens.

Before we can sit down, a stripper comes over, introduces herself and wants to know if we want a dance. Jesus, let me sit down so I at least HAVE a lap before deciding if I want it danced in, will ya?

This is not an attractive woman. And she's not young, either. She says her name is, well, I'll change her name to protect her reputation. It's a large, Texas city, so I'll just call her, "Amarillo". And despite telling her that we're just there to have a beer until check in time at the condo, she makes herself comfortable at our table and starts making small talk. Nothing unusual about that. But it doesn't take long for that to change.

As other, younger, more attractive (and even older, scarier women) come over, she cuts them off by telling them that we are just there for a beer until we can check into our condo. I'm being cock blocked by a stripper, and with my own story!

Then she starts telling us stories about the various sexual acts customers have asked her to perform in the club. Phil was uncomfortable when we walked in the place. Now I'M starting to get creeped out. And I spent 23 years as a Probation and Parole Agent, so I have a pretty high bar to jump over when it comes to creeping me out. I've had to discuss child abuse with child molesters and murder with murderers, and this woman is making my skin crawl! Time to bail out.

I look at Phil, finish my beer, and make an excuse about having to go find some Ethyl M's chocolate's for my wife and head for the door. Amarillo suggests that I can find an Ethyl M store at, Sam's Town Casino out by the football stadium. I thank her for the advice and head for the door faster than, Sara Pailin away from another interview with Katie Couric!

So, I have hundreds of dollars in cash in my pocket, all afternoon to kill, still can't watch an attractive young woman take off her clothes in a stripper bar. In Las, freakin' Vegas! This is a level of ineptitude I could not have previously imagined. This is what I believe, PJ O'Rourke once described as jumping into a pool of tits, and coming out sucking your thumb. Almost literally in this case.

One day, before my son's 21'st birthday, I'm going to have to have another, "talk" with him. We've had, "The Condom Talk". The, "Your father drops you off at school in an Audi or a brand new Camaro SS and has had no visible means of support for five years now, and some girls will notice this, Talk" It's kind of the same Talk as The Condom Talk, breaking down the reasons for it a little more. We will have to have, "The Tittie Bar Talk".

It will be short. No, they are not really that impressed with you, they do not love you, but they love your money. A stripper bar is a terrible place to look for a girlfriend. They all already have one. Or in some cases, a boyfriend or husband. If you fall in love, and tell them that you would like to have their children, they will tell you to pick them up at school later so they can keep working. And no, every Stripper in Las Vegas is NOT working her way through UNLV as a Political Science Major, and just needs the money for tuition, or she wouldn't be doing this. They spend more money on under ware than they would EVER spend on tuition.

Now it's 3 o'clock in the afternoon, check in time is at 4. Screw it, I'm going to take my chances since it's a new place in the, "World Mark" family and I haven't stayed in this one yet, and hope they will let me check in early. We drive to Tropicana, and then West, way past The Orlean's, and find it. It's nice, the staff is great, checks us right in, gives me the keys and we are moved in way before 4 o'clock.

By the way, this is just a side note, but now that we have, In N Out Burger here in Salt Lake? I just don't feel the need to eat one every time I'm in Las Vegas. I wish that feeling would go away re: the stripper bar. I'm just sayin...

Now we need to supply the condo for two days, and there is an Albertson's just down the street. Ice, a Diet Coke or two for me, snack's for, Phil and some beer for our friends who are flying in from Portland the next day who want to tailgate with us. We brought whiskey from Utah because you can't buy Ancient Age in Nevada.

While at the store, we notice this restaurant, funky old looking place. Capo's Fine Italian Food. They don't open until five, so we decide to come back.

We go to the condo, have a drink, watch, Sports Center. Oh, and while I'm on the subject? ESPN is as big a cheerleader for Boise State, as, "The Mountain" network is for, That Team Down South! Yeah, we knew deep down, in our heart of hearts, that we were going to lose to Boise State. But for crying out loud, when you're talking about the Las Vegas Bowl, and you don't even use the word, "Utah", just talk about Boise this, and Boise that, I can't believe how much they LOVE these guys. Oh, I forgot. The Mountain West Conference told them to take a hike when they wanted US to play on Tuesday and gave the Thursday nights to the ACC a few years ago.

ESPN sucks. They were much better before Disney bought them and they quit covering sports and just started covering ESPN.

We go back to the restaurant at five. There are cars there, but the door isn't open. Finally they do open it, and it's a pretty good copy of an old, speak easy. Lot's of Italian kitsch. This bodes ill, but I'm hungry and would even eat at the Olive Garden if that was my only choice. I order the salad and veal while Frank Sinatra and Dean Martin are singing. This is so, "Vegas" it's killing me. And I mean, "Vegas" in the same way I would mean, "Branson" if I was describing a shitty, catering to the lowest possible denominator, people who came here on a bus in polyester, type of, Roy Clark show, OK? NOT in a good way. I can't wait to see what the food is going to be like.

Phil suggested going into the restroom and if it had a tank toilet, taking the .38 out from behind it, and getting out of there before we got, "whacked".

Our waitress is a cute kid, but she looks more like the woman from the HBO series, "Cat House" who CALLED herself, Soprano, than, Meadow Soprano from THAT series.

All things considered, I'm not expecting much.

Well, call me, Ted Sheffler! I haven't had a meal this good in a while, and I don't eat at crummy places. The salad was to die for. Artichoke hearts, blue cheese. I spilled it all over the front of my crummy, Belize tshirt I was wearing and didn't care. I might suck on the shirt front later! This was a GOOD salad!

And when the veal got there? It was an outstanding, young cow that gave it's life for my dinner that night. So tender and awesome, it was unbelievable. I gave half of it to Phil for some of his pasta, which was also out of this world, and still couldn't finish it. I can't wait to take, Deb there the next time we're in Las Vegas. It was every bit as good, if not better than the Italian place in, New York, New York, and a third the price.

By now it's 6 or 7 o'clock, and we are both worn out. Back to the condo. Phil's in bed (I gave him the bedroom and took the Murphy bed in the living room as I stay up late, and he's always in bed early) by 10 o'clock, and I'm determined to stay up and watch the local news.

The weather report is not good for game day tomorrow. Could be a lousy game, and lousy weather.

Turns out to right on both accounts.

Next up, game day. And a failed Cuban Sandwich. Oh, the horror.

Fear And Loathing in Fillmore: Part Deaux.

The night in Fillmore was not good. Well not for me. Phil could sleep through a bombing of Dresdien and still get up at six in the morning totally refreshed.

The heater kept going out. It was a gas/electric thing on the wall that required you to light the pilot light, hold it down, then turn the dial to a number. One through five. I didn't want to heat us up too much, so I kept setting it to 1.

After about the third or fourth time I woke up cold, at about 3 am, I figured out that that the number was NOT a heat setting, but a TIME setting. I lit the thing up, and turned the fucker up to FIVE and slept well through the rest of the night. Someone without my extensive education might just have frozen to death that night! I felt like a really, tired, moron.

Phil slept through it all.

The next morning, Phil woke up way before dawn as he usually does. But still thinking the water was from Mexico, he didn't shower. Just brushed his teeth and washed his face and then woke me. It was around 0700 hours.

There were at least eight inches of snow ON the car. It was all I could do to get the trunk open to get the snow brush out, so I could brush the snow off and maybe, just maybe, drive it out of the parking lot. Which was up to my knees, WAY over my UGG boots, deep in snow. And still snowing.

I was able to back out of my parking place, and while, Phil took the key to the office, I drove up there. Were the Audi not a Quattro, All Wheel Drive, I would not have been able to. I was pushing snow with the bumper. Once, Phil got in, the snowplow's of Fillmore had cleared Main Street, but locked us in. The snow was at LEAST three feet high in front of the driveway of the motel. And thick, as they had been buy a couple of times over night.

Someone, coming or going, I don't know, in an obviously lifted truck with skinny tires, had left a mark in that snow wall. I just pointed the Audi at it, and stepped on the gas. The Audi didn't even spin tires, just jammed on through like it was nothing. Busting through the bumper high snow like it wasn't even there. We headed south on Main Street, hoping for a breakfast of something from the local gas station before heading south.

Yeah, right.

Just as we got in sight of the local gas station/Arby's/Convenience Store next to the freeway, the lights went out. And that is no analogy. All the LIGHTS, in the city, went OUT! No power, no breakfast. Shit.

We got on the freeway and headed south. Hungry, tired, wanting coffee and just not at all happy. Hoping the storm would end soon. And it didn't.

Most of the way to Beaver, we followed a big truck, at 40 miles an hour because the snow was blowing right into the windshield, and we couldn't see very well. So we figured we'd be better off behind him. When I finally got a chance to pass, and did, I had to stop in Beaver to take the ice off the wipers! This is now, officially, the worst trip I've ever made!

We get back on the freeway and it's not TOO bad. Phil is driving all the way to St. George because I can't take it anymore. And when we finally get there, still in the storm, but WAY out of the snow, it's a relief to pull of the freeway and go to the best restaurant in southern Utah, The Fairway Grill in St. George.

This place is great. Mostly old folks there, and the waitresses are not kids either. They do a great job, and the food is awesome. It's on St. George Blvd. It's my favorite restaurant in St. George. Great breakfast. But if you have the chance to have lunch there? Have the fries! they are AWESOME! Crispy steak fries. You will never have fried potato's this good, ever, anywhere.

We have breakfast and head south to Las Vegas. We get there, and it's about noon local time. So NOW what do we do? Can't check in until four o'clock.

We go to Planet Hollywood so Phil can get his daughter some jacket from some designer shop.

I've got an idea! Let's try to find the pawn shop from, "Pawn Stars"! I LOVE that show. I couldn't figure out, when it first started, why THIS was on the, History Channel. But when I'd watched a few shows, I learned a lot, and knew it was here for a reason.

Made a few wrong turns, but did find it. Pulled into the parking lot, and there is, I shit you not, a LINE, behind a velvet rope, to get IN! Really? There's a line to get into a PAWN SHOP!?

Have you seen the big, Black Man on the show that's at the door? He's working the, "rope" this morning. When he let's us in I ask him, "Is this normal?" He says, "Every day."

Wow.

Phil and I look around a little, since neither of us want anything out of a Pawn shop, I just wanted to see the place since I like the show. I buy some t-shirts for me and the kids. Deb doesn't wear tshirts. And I'm about to leave. But, "Big Hoss" comes out into the store. Oh, shit, he's a ROCK STAR to the guys checking out in front of me. So I have to stand there for a while, while they have him autograph their stuff. Bummer.

"BIG" Hoss is not THAT big. He's shorter than me, and not half as wide. So it goes.

I finally got close to a counter, jewelry, and ask the guy behind it, "I'm in the market for a .45 Auto. It's a gun I've always wanted and it would be cool to say I bought it from here. But I don't see any guns in here. Do you still sell them?" He said that, no they did not. They only sold historical guns. And most telling he also said, "We're now a t-shirt shop with a Pawn License". True story.

I still love the show. But I'm now smarter, and don't fall for it so much.

Next story? Why I can't get a lap dance in Las Vegas. Even when I tried, and had money with me.

Fear And Loathing in Fillmore: How The Trip to Las Vegas REALLY Went.

I should have brought the camera. This was a surreal experience.

As I said before, we were planning to leave for, The Las Vegas Bowl on Tuesday morning. That was until I watched the weather at 5 o'clock Monday night. They were warning of horrible weather all along the I-15 corridor the next day. This could make getting to Las Vegas an all day deal instead of the leisurely six hour drive it usually is. So I called, Phil and we decided that we should leave on Monday night and drive as far as we could stand to, so that if it was snowing the next day and travel was slow, we would still get to Las Vegas at a decent hour.

We decide to have dinner with our family's, and head out. Hoping to make it to Fillmore or Beaver before it started to snow and giving us a head start on the trip.

My friend, Diane came over just after we left, and so I came back to see her. She now lives in Las Vegas, but was visiting her parents. God bless her, she gave me a bottle of Maker's Mark for my birthday, told me to take it Las Vegas with us. Four hours later, we would be glad we had it. We left the Salt Lake Valley at 1900 hours. We thought we were pretty smart, to get out early and beat the storm.

Until we drove right into the teeth of it in Provo.

Snow was blowing directly into the face of the car. And even with the high tech lights and fog lights on the Audi, it was all you could do to see well enough to keep the thing in a lane. But by the time we got to Nephi, that didn't matter. There was only ONE lane, and the semi's in front of you were defining it as they went. And you either followed them, or took a big risk by passing them.

I decided a few years ago while driving to Denver to see the Redwings play the Avalanche on the day after Christmas, that the Audi has the best AWD system in the world if you are trying to stay on pavement in snow. I might not be what you want if you are hunting ducks, or trying to climb dirt trails, but for staying on the highway when everything from Suburbans to Subaru's are flying off the road in all directions, it can't be beat. And it served us well that night. I was even able to pass a couple of extra slow moving trucks when they gave me enough room. But even at that, the trip was made pretty much at 40 miles an hour.

When we hit Nephi, I told Phil we needed to make a decision. Do we stay there or try to push on to Fillmore? Because I didn't think there was a motel in Scipio, and I didn't want to spend the night in the car in a gas station parking lot. He decided we should keep going.

Easy for him to say. I'm driving and it's MY $50K car we are risking! I've been taking his advice for more than 30 years now and he's right WAY over 90% of the time, so I keep driving.

At one point, I'm in the right lane, well, on the right side of the road as far as I can tell, and letting a snow plow in the LEFT lane, lead the way when a big truck comes up behind me and is flashing his lights.

For those of you who don't know this, or don't travel a lot, flashing lights at the guy in front of you, when he is in the fast lane, means you would like to pass. It's not the equivalent of, "the finger". So I know what the guy is asking me to do. But I'm already in the SLOW lane! You want to go around? Your argument is with the guy in the snow plow! Not me.

I finally just slowed up enough to let there be plenty of room for him to go around me and get in front of me and pass the plow on the right. Easy for him, his rig weighs 80K pounds! The Audi is heavy, but not THAT heavy.

The stretch of I-15 between Nephi and Fillmore was a terror ride. A white knuckle, scary experience I hope to never have again. Every few miles, a car off the side. The only thing going past me were tow truck drivers in big assed 4X4's that had obviously done this a lot in this kind of weather, and who were racing to make a buck by beating the other tow truck drivers to some guy who needed to be pulled back onto the road, and some truckers who obviously felt like their load was heavy enough to keep them on the road no matter HOW much it snowed!

But the Audi stayed on course, never wavered. Even though changing lanes was scary, it just kept plugging away. Even when you hit the big piles of snow between lanes that would slow you down, it kept moving in a straight line. Other 4X4 vehicles I've had over the years would wobble a little. But not the Audi. It's German, so it just told the snow, "Neign!" when it tried to slow her up.

I've traveled this road a million times over the years. But only gotten off and taken Main Street in Fillmore a couple of times. It's a pretty little town. Nice park where the coaches made us get off the bus and run on the way to a high school football game in St. George. So, as far as I know, there are two motels in town. The Best Western on the north exit, who's, "Garden Of Eaten'" restaurant was probably the sight of the worst meal I ever ate. And a place on the south exit, next to, "Larry's Drive In" which I used to love to go to because they had the best chicken sandwich anywhere, but has gone down hill in the last few years, and now is just another small town greasy spoon next to the freeway.

I don't care about the food options at this point. I just want a warm place to sleep.

The Best Western is the first option. No vacancy. Now we're in trouble. I told, Phil that the chances are that the other one is full too, and we will have to just keep driving, or sleep in the car in a gas station parking lot.

So, in what turned out to be a good idea, I just kept driving down main street. I didn't want to get back on the freeway. It looks like the main street in Bedford Falls. Christmas decorations in all the stores. No other cars on the road at 9:30 at night. Actually very pretty.

And out of the corner of my eye, through the blinding snow, I see a bright red, "VACANCY". I don't even see the name of the motel. I slam on the breaks, and it takes the anti locks on the Audi a block to come to stop from 40 miles an hour. I pull a U turn and if it were not for AWD, I don't think we would have gotten into the parking lot, but we made it.

We go inside (and by the way, I looked at the receipt tonight when I unpacked my bag, and the place is called, "The Fillmore Motel") and despite the fact that no one running the place speaks a lot of English, they figure out that we want a room with two beds for one night and pretty soon we have a warm place to stay. I expected them to gouge us because of the weather. Nope. The room was $40. We get in in time to watch the news while we get ready for bed, and just as the news is ending, the cable goes out. No big deal, going to bed anyway.

Phil says he has to take some pills and wants to know if he can open one of the water bottles that we have in the cooler. Sure, but what's wrong with the tap water? He says, "You really think it's OK to drink?"

Uh, yeah. Just because the folks running the place are Mexicans, doesn't mean that's where the water is coming from. You're still in Utah. I don't think they're trucking it up. Knock yourself out and have a drink from the tap.

It's been a long night. This is where, Di's bottle comes in handy. We both need a drink before going to bed.

Later, part two. The rest of the trip, the strip, and the bad football.

Road Trip! How the BNO (Boy's Night Out) Changes with age.

I'm going to Las Vegas this week to see the Utes play in the, MAACO, Las Vegas Bowl. I'm going with my best friend, and we are leaving our wives and children at home! Whoo, hoo! It's, "Vegas Baby! This could get CRAZY!"

Yeah, right. It could have 30 years ago. Now? Not so much. I'll give you a time line. For now, and 30 years ago, before I became a COP. And even though I'm a RETIRED COP now, I'm older, and, sometimes, wiser.

Tuesday morning, 0800 hours. I pick, Phil up at his house in my Audi Quarto. I've had the tire pressure checked, and the oil has been changed. We have a cooler with bottled water in the back seat. Neither one of us has had anything stronger to drink than a cup of coffee or a, "6 Hour Energy Drink" for more than 8 hours. Satellite radio is what we will be listening too. Outlaw Country, Margaritaville.

30 Years ago, I pick up several friends in my 74 Mustang. It's 10 in the morning. We are ALL still drunk. There are several coolers in the car. All full of beer. We stop at Wendy's and have double cheeseburgers for breakfast and head out! Molly Hatchet and Bad Company in the cassette player. Rock On!

Tuesday afternoon. We check into my time share condo, take our cooler and our bottle of Ancient Age bourbon (Which we brought from Utah, because booze is TOO expensive in Nevada these days. Imagine THAT!) and cigars in. Decide where to go to dinner. On the way there, we stop at a convenience store and get a bag of ice, some Diet Cokes and maybe a bag of chips to eat while watching the late, Sportscenter. Have dinner, are back at the condo by nine o'clock. Phil falls asleep by 10, I watch TV until about 11, then I'm out too.

Thirty years ago, hit, "The Strip" at about 3 in the afternoon! Buy gas and beer at, Terrible Herpst and start looking for a stripper bar. Stay there until about eight o'clock. Remember we have to check in at what ever cheap ass, shitty hotel we booked. Try to find it, do, check in. Go do dinner at, "In-n-Out" burger. Back to the stripper bar for three hours. Then buy more beer on the way back to Motel Six on the WRONG side of the freeway. "Whoo, Hoo! Vegas, BABY!"

Wednesday, Phil will wake up at six am, but he'll let me sleep in. We will go to breakfast at someplace that makes a good chicken fried steak and we can get a newspaper. Done by 11 am. Get some ice and beer so our friends that are going to meet us from Portland can tailgate with us and head out to Sam Boyd Stadium, which is so far South of, "The Strip", it might as well be in Arizona.

If we have enough time after breakfast, we will go down to, The Strip so he can get something his daughter wanted at, "The Forum Shops" and I can get my wife some chocolate from, Ethyl M's. And maybe, just maybe, a couple of drinks at the Olympic Garden. To support single mom's ya know. All of those girls are putting themselves through UNLV and majoring in Political Science. Just ask them. But even at that, we are there less than an hour, and no one is going to spend $300.

Then the tailgate lot by about 2 or 3 o'clock, since the game starts at 4 o'clock local time. And it takes an hour to get to the stadium. It's WAY out there, trust me.

Thirty Years ago? More beer from gas stations, and that's just for breakfast. Then? Out to the stadium of course! WHOO, HOO, UTAH! We start tailgating as soon as we wake up.

Wednesday night, we will stay up, watch the highlights on the local news, and ESPN, probably twice, and have a few drinks. Maybe a victory cigar on the patio since you can't smoke IN the condo. Go to bed before 1 am.

Thirty years ago? Who cares who won, we went to a BOWL GAME! Stripper bar, party all night, crash in the motel at whenever.

Thursday morning, Phil will wake up before me, as always. We will make coffee and maybe get a breakfast biscuit at McDonald's on the way to the freeway. On our way by 9 or 10 in the morning. Home by about 5 in the afternoon Utah time.

Thirty years ago. Four or five us all sleep until 11:00. Shower in a hurry because we are supposed to be out of the shitty motel by then. And drive home, with more gas station beer. Eating what ever we buy when we stop for gas. Get home, oh, shit, I don't know. Some time Thursday.

Friday, I'm worn out. Christmas Eve or not, I'm tired. And I wrapped everything before I left. Let my OLD body sleep.

Thirty years ago? We party all night on Thursday, and get up in time for Christmas Eve dinner with the family.

Time, and age, change everything, don't they?

Go UTES! Can't wait to be there!

Republican's hate people who work.

They passed the bill that extended tax cuts for people who make more than $250K a year. But they won't pass the bill to pay for medical benefits for 9/11 first responders who are dying because of what they were exposed to. How can they do that? Just being jerks, so they can say that President Obama didn't succeed at anything.

Republicans suck ass.

Carl Wimmer Might Be Right

Carl Wimmer is a total moron. He's so dumb, that if he jumped out a window on the tenth floor of a building, he'd fall UP! He is not in touch with reality, not even close. A complete and total moron.

But he might be onto something with his, "State Gun" thing.

Oh, I know, it will make all of us in Utah look as stupid as, Carl Wimmer. Mormon, and dumb. That's the picture the world has of us. Right wing, stupid and religious.

But I don't think he's TOTALLY off the wall with this. John Browning was an American Hero, and one of the smartest people ever. He designed so many great guns, and they all affected American History so much. And whether you like it or not, our history is defined by guns. The ones we used to win wars, mostly.

When you think about it, who are the Utahan's that the whole world knows about? Philo T. Farnsworth for inventing TV, and John Browning for inventing the machine gun that made us a world power for ever. Oh, and, Butch Cassidy. You really want to be known for him? I'm just sayin'...

I like the 1911 ACP (automatic Colt Pistol) one of America's signature guns, being honored this way. And in states where they DIDN'T invent guns, we will be given a hard time. So be it. We just beat Connecticut, Vermont, New York to the punch. I own guns from those states. And Sweden.

So now, that I've always wanted an excuse to buy a 1911, even though I have no reason to want one since I'm retired from Law Enforcement, I can buy one. And my wife can't complain since I'm just going to own the, "State" gun! Just being a good Utahan!

I love handguns. I think they are great machine's. Love to shoot them. Have even taught my son to shoot them. My daughter didn't want anything to do with them, and that's OK.

My Uncle, George who served in WWII used to talk shit about the 1911. He said, "I tried to shoot the guy in the head and took his foot off. That gun wasn't worth a shit!" Well, he might have been right. But I think those problems have been solved with automatic guns these days. And Browning did it.

So, bottom line. Carl Wimmer is a nut. But, I might just buy a 1911 because he brought it up.

How crazy do Republicans have to get before people in Utah quit voting for them?

An Economics Lesson For The Income Challenged

Today, President Obama, "compromised" with Republicans and kept the tax cuts not only for the middle class, but for the richest 2% of all Americans. Those that make more than $250,000.00 a year. $250K a year? Wow.

Since I retired in 2006, I have spent $250K of the VAST amount of money my father left me, which was almost $1 Million. No, that was NOT enough to be charged an inheritance tax, on.

To show for it I have bought a $20K time share (paid cash for that), bought a brand new 2006 Audi A6 with ALL the bells and whistles so we could travel. Built a $30K garage for the new Camaro I bought last spring ($43K SS, topped it out with ground effects and performance exhaust). Deb says I built it just to put in the wood stove and give me and my friends someplace to smoke cigars in the winter. She might be right since I built it before I bought the car.

Taken my kids to Paris for a week. My wife and I just made our third trip there. Spent two weeks in Greece with some friends. Went to Belize two years in a row just to spend three nights one week hanging out in a bar over the water and listen to, Jerry Jeff Walker play for about 200 fans and spend a night having drinks with him and his wife, Susan. She's a doll. Did some snorkeling and sight seeing, too.

Last winter, Spent a week in Grenada just because we liked it there on a cruise a few years ago.

And I won't even go into detail on the cruises, trips to Cuba, England, Mexico, Canada we've made. Taken the kids to a Major League Baseball Game every summer since I retired. Minneapolis, Washington DC, New York, Chicago, Boston. Spent a week in every one of them. Even took them to see Jimmy Buffett in Boston Last summer.

Oh, Deb and I go to THAT show in Las Vegas EVER year since 2001.

And to do this, I have spent just under $250K over all these years. I've lost more money because the value of my stocks went down when, "W" destroyed the economy than I have lost on all the stuff I just told you I BOUGHT!

I'm not getting a tax break. Because even though I don't MAKE, $250K a year, and I've had a HELL of a GOOD time SPENDING $240K over six years, doing all the stuff I just told you about, I'm NOT RICH ENOUGH TO QUALIFY FOR THAT TAX BREAK!

Think about that for a minute. Let it sink in. I'm richer than most of you will ever be. And I don't say that to be a jerk, I say it to prove a point. I got my first Passport when I was almost 40. My son's had one since he was ten. Can you say that about your kids?

I got my money, "The Old Fashioned Way" too. I inherited when my dad died! And didn't have to pay a dime in inheritance tax. Are you really worried about your family losing your small business? Or family farm? Don't, it ain't going to happen.

And where are the, "Tea Baggers" in this? They should be up in arms about this! After all, they want an end to Federal spending and reduction in the National Deficit! But keeping the tax breaks for the rich will result in more than $500 BILLION in taxes that will NOT go toward the deficit! They got a payroll tax break that might bankrupt Social Security. So I'm sure they will be happy about that until they understand what it really means.

Remember all these dopes last summer that held up signs saying, "Keep your Government hands off my Medicaid"? They thought that WASN'T a federal program! THEY ARE DUMB!

I make about $22K a year in pension from the state, my wife makes less. But because of her disability she gets SSI and Medicaid, my daughter who is Autistic gets SSI (part of her mothers, so not a full share) and Medicaid. So, you're asking yourself, "With all the money you have, why are you "STEALING" benefits from the Federal Government? YOU of all people don't need them!" You would think so.

But since we don't have a national health care plan like every other industrialized nation in the Western World, IT'S THE ONLY WAY THEY CAN GET HEALTH CARE! Since the Republicans in the State Legislature took away, Deb and MY, retirement health care in 2006. But kept it for themselves. Chris Butters has lifetime PEHP. I don't.

And as far as stealing it? Fuck you. It's insurance and we both paid into it our WHOLE lives. We're just collecting what we paid for. Thank you, FDR.

Now, I own nicer cars than you, have been more places than you, and consider myself one lucky SOB. I have enough money to live on the rest of my life as long as I listen to my broker. And I don't have enough money to support Republicans or their policies.

I have to start shopping for health insurance next year because my five years of retirement PEHP runs out. I'm pretty sure I can get my son and I at least some sort of catastrophic plan. But I've had three surgeries in the last two years, so regular coverage for me? Not so much. Is this any way to treat people in, "The Greatest Country In World"? Why don't we have a national health car plan? We don't need insurance companies if we had one.

I have a safe full of guns that no one has come for. So that doesn't worry me. I have to ask, especially a bunch of guys I used to work with at Corrections, who were earning a lot less money than me (I came over from the Juvenile Court earning more, so there was never any need or want to be a Supervisor and have the headache. I was already earning the money without it) why do you keep voting for Republicans? They have taken your retirement health care, are keeping you from having access to a national plan, and want to now take away your pension and make you keep your own retirement account. In light of that, why work for the State at all?

But, hey, they want to make the Browning 1911, .45 ACP the Official State Gun! So we got that going for us! If I didn't already have a bunch of guns, I'd go buy one to shoot myself in the head with it for staying in a state so full of stupid!

So, "R's" enjoy the tax cut you didn't get. Keep waiting for the, "trickle down" from all of your rich friends (You do know they will just be pissing down the back of your Wal Mart vest and telling you it's raining, right? Even, David Stockman was on TV last week saying they knew when he worked in the Regan White House that it wouldn't work. If you don't know who he was, he was the Regan budget director who wanted the FDA to count, Ketchup as a vegetable in federaly funded School Lunch Programs to save money. Nice guy) and know that you voted for, God, guns, gut's and, Jesus.

And you're running your country into the ground. I'll send you a postcard from Belize.

If you work for a living, you are NOT a Republican.

Foggy Sunday In SLC

Every year, Deb buys a bunch of coloring books and crayons and wraps them up real nice and takes them to the homeless shelter for the kids. A noble cause, no doubt. Even though it's a bit outdated. So I put .38 Special in my belt line and drive her down there to do the right thing in a place where I used to put a LOT of people in jail, and I have to hope they don't remember me.

I'm happy to be OUT of that world after 23 years in it. But she likes to do this, and since it's a good thing, I can't tell her, "NO", so I just do it and hope that I can get out of there alive.

My wife has NO idea how much I hate to do this. I get out of the car, hand on gun, open the trunk, let her hand over the coloring books to the staff at shelter, while scanning the area to see who might try to kill me or my wife and swipe our $50K Audi.

It takes all of a minute to make her happy to do this. I creeps me out for a week before, to THINK about it.

At this point in our lives, I wish she would just send them a check for whatever made her feel good. I'll cover it. We're rich and retired. And it's a good cause. Way better than sending money to some religion. Send it to a group that actually uses it to HELP people in distress.

I spent too many years working in the worst parts of the valley. Homeless shelters, trailer parks, subsidised housing, shitty rentals in West Valley, Kearns, and Magna. Old apartment buildings in SLC. I've been there, and I don't want to go there ANYMORE! Quit buying coloring books, and just send a check. It will do more good. And I won't have to drive downtown with a gun in my pants!

On the bright side? We tried to have lunch at, "The Tin Angle" and it was closed, so we went to, La Frontera on 400 South and 1200 West and is was as good as it always used to be. Best Mexican food in the valley.

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, everyone.

South Salt Lake Murder

When I was in college, my dad gave me a custom pool cue. It was quite a prize. It was heavy, and I knew he'd won it off someone who couldn't pay him after a game at, The Crest Club on 4800 S. just West of State Street back in the 70's. All the, Hercule's rocket scientists used to play pool in there after work most nights.

I had to find my own, custom, screw in tips for it. And the only place to do so in the whole valley at the time was BK Billiards on 700 East. It was, at the time, in the middle of nowhere. Too far south of 3300 South to matter, because that was were civilization ENDED in the 70's in the Salt Lake Valley. Too far North of 4500 South for people in Murray to care. On the West side of the road, no street parking. You had to be looking for this place to find it back then.

And I think you would have to be NOW, too.

But, a few years ago, well, could have been 20 years ago, as little as I travel 700 East since I quit driving up to the, "U" that way 35 years ago, I noticed something else on the sign. "LDS Bookseller". I remember noticing it because of the dichotomy between pool shooters and Mormon's in general. But, "LDS Booksellers" struck me as funny.

Since I retired as a Probation/Parole Agent five years ago, I hardly ever drive on 700 East, so I can't remember the last time I drove that way. And I can't tell you what the area looks like now. But I can tell you some things that stick out to me, as a retired Cop in the stories I've heard over the last couple of days.

Why would anyone rob a billiards shop, in a town where that is probably not a real big money business? And in a spot where it was obvious that not only would there be not a lot of witnesses, there would not be a lot of MONEY!

Many convenience stores await a would be robber only a few short blocks north.

Could it be that it was someone local (as it usually is in a residential robbery, which this, for all intent's and purposes was) who was too lazy to walk to 3300 South? That's my bet.

They have a business, ergo they must have more money than ME!

Or did it have something to so with the, "bookseller" aspect of the business? No one kills for a pool cue, but in this state, people have been blown up for Mormon documents.

And the whole, "Knife Making" thing? Who does that? It's not a common hobby, and this poor, woman was killed with a knife. In her own home. Not a gun, not a ball bat. A knife, in a knife making place?

Wow! This is going to be interesting. Almost all people who are murdered are murdered by someone they know. And most times, love.

And since this involves a prominent Utah/Mormon family, it's going to be interesting to see how this plays out in the local media. No matter how this turns out, I bet there's a 90% probability that someones reputation gets ruined. I have a feeling this is not a random act of violence.

My sympathy's go out to the family's. I feel your pain. And I'm sorry that your prominence in the community might have caused this horrible act to happen, even though I feel it did. You don't deserve this. No matter what anyone thinks about your politics, religion or business, you don't deserve this.

And I hope the Cops will feel it did too, because I think that will be where they find the answer. It wasn't a RANDOM act of violence. Someone picked this person out. Go from there, South Salt Lake PD, and you will solve this crime.

Rivalry Week. Sort of.

Here it is, the, BIG GAME. The Holy War. Whatever. Just don't refer to it as a match up sponsored by the Mormon's Credit Union, because I don't remember their name, I don't know who's won that trophy, any year, and don't care. And, to quote, Bill Murray in, Meatballs, "It just doesn't matter...!"

Completely off the subject, but when the Mormon Republicans in the Legislature were hating on Credit Unions a few years ago at the behest of Zion's Bank, why didn't the church get rid of theirs? I'm just askin'?

And it doesn't matter any more because we are OUT of their LEAGUE starting next year. Always have been as a University, but that's another, "rant". And this year? Do you really care if the Utes go to the Las Vegas Bowl or San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl? I know I don't because chances are, I'm not going to make the trip to either one of them.

I'd rather they ended up in the Kraft Foods End Hunger Bowl in San Francisco like we did 5 years ago when the PAC 10 didn't have enough qualifiers. My wife grew up there, so it's easy to talk her into that trip. And we love that town.

I really don't care if we win on Saturday or not. Well, I DO care, but not like I cared for the last 40 years. Because we are leaving them behind in the college football world. They shot themselves in the head because of a crummy TV deal, only to get another crummy TV deal, but with a bigger payoff.

And they will be playing on Wednesday nights in the fall, instead of Saturday afternoon.

And this is what really makes this week less than important. Next year, we might play on Friday night once a year. Or maybe a Thursday once in a while. But we will play ALL of our games on national TV, EVERY Saturday. Rake in about $15 Million every year after the first three years, and every year. EVERY FREAKIN' YEAR, our goal at the start of the season is to win our Conference (same as now) and play in THE ROSE BOWL (WAY different from now). If we have a mediocre year, if we go 6-5, we could STILL play in the Las Vegas Bowl. But a GOOD year? Rose Bowl. Or BCS National Championship Game.

That School Down South, can go 12-0 every year from now until eternity, when they get their own centrally heated, wall to wall carpeted, planet, Kolob to live on for time and all eternity, And they will never, ever, play in a Rose Bowl.

And if their schedule includes, Weber State, La Tech and Army every year? They won't get a shot to play in ANY BCS Bowl Game. We have left them behind in every way.

Now, I can hear the yelling from Provo, "We have a national title! We have a Heisman Trophy!" Yeah, whatever. YOU'RE national tittle is the reason we have the abortion that is the BCS instead of a playoff. Congrats on your Heisman. Enjoy it, it's you last one.

The BCS still sucks, but if it's to stay with us, and there is every indication that it is, I'd rather be part of it than not. So once we have two of them, I'm going to walk down Center Street in Provo with a sign that says, "So long bubble! Every one knows your password is 1984!" By that time, you could have the biggest football stadium in the FCS (read Division 1 AA) because that's where you're heading.

I'll always buy my tickets, even though I might not always go to the game. And I'll always root for my Utes. But I'm going to all the away games I can, because I like Tucson and Los Angeles a lot better than Laramie and Albuquerque.

So, yeah, it's rivalry week. But I don't care much. I want my team to win, but there is nothing, absolutely NOTHING on the line here. Of all the Bowl Games we can get, they are about the same. And after this year, tsds is NOT a rival. Colorado will be our rivalry game.

Tsds is just another, non-conference game that fills out our schedule. And even if they win, they can, "rise and shout" about it, but it doesn't really matter. Even if they DO beat us, we're still playing for a Rose Bowl. And they aren't. Ever.

WE are now the rich guys from the camp across the lake. And, "Even if you play so far above your heads that your noses bleed for a week to ten days! You still won't ever get the Roses! They will go to the rich guys from the camp across the lake! So, It just doesn't matter! It just doesn't matter...!"

Repeat ad infinitim, Cougars.

Utah State Get's Screwed Again

Utah State's athletic program continues to be a Warren Zevon song. "Bad Karma".

In the early 60's, when they had, Merlin Olsen and were on top of the world as a football independent, they turned down an invitation to join the newly forming, Western Athletic Conference with Utah and, "That School Down South" because they didn't need them!

Since then, they have been through countless conference's looking for a permanent home. Big West, Sun Belt, independence again for a while, and finally got accepted into the WAC. Now, the WAC is crumbling around them.

Tonight it was announced that Hawaii was going to jump ship from the WAC to The Mountain West Conference. This leaves the WAC without the NCAA minimum of 6 teams that have competed for at least two years together, to get an automatic qualifying spot in ANY NCAA tournaments. Are you listening Aggie basketball fans?

This means that as good as their team is, starting next year, you don't get to go to, "The Big Dance" because your conference is in such flux, that it can't be trusted.

And you know who to blame for this mess? The Utah Legislature! You think that's a stretch? Well, let me connect the dots for you.

Years ago, the Utes pursuing a move to the more prestigious, and prosperous PAC 10 were forced to keep that effort under the radar because there was a fear that the Legislature would pass a law that required the Utes play in the same conference as BYU, if they knew it was going to happen. Thus dragging the Utes down to the level of that seminary in Provo.

Think I'm kidding? Think it couldn't happen? Do a little research to find out why the Big 12 was able to kick out TCU, SMU and Rice but not the Baptist school Baylor when they quit being the Southwest Conference. And former Texas Governor, Ann Richards will figure prominently in the picture.

Why do you think the Utes jump to the PAC was not announced when there was any chance of the Legislature stopping it?

And did you read the papers this summer? How Utah State, fear full of retaliation from the Legislature, turned DOWN an offer from the MWC, to try to lure BYU to the WAC for the rest of it's sports while they would go independent in football?

Boy, if you're a Utah State fan, and you vote for Mormon Republicans you have no one to blame for your status but yourself.

So, the Aggie's get screwed again. They won't get into the MWC after turning down their first, and probably only, invitation to THAT dance. The WAC is going to become a non-entity as far as the NCAA is concerned, so they can't even hope to get into the NCAA tournaments. And it's all because they couldn't risk alienating the Legislature.

That is really sad.

What's next? Plead with the MWC to ask them again when TCU goes to the Big East? Drop down a level and join The Big Sky? After all, THAT conference still has an automatic bid to the NCAA basketball tournament, and they are looking to get bigger. And you could have local rivals in Weber State and Southern Utah "University".

I don't know which direction they should go, but I do know this. They shot themselves in the foot 50 years ago, and Karma has kept the wound open. Are you listening, BYU?

Is It Offensive or Funny to Lisa Landry?

OK. This is going to take some setting up. Because the one person I'm worried about offending with this needs a LOT of background. The rest of you who will see this on FB, know the way life is in the west, and will know what I'm talking about. But many might not get the slight, cultural inference that makes it funny in the rest of the country.

My friend, Lisa is converting to Jewish from Catholic for her husband. Which is more than my wife did for me (when we got married, Deb was/is a Mormon. I was a Presbyterian). Now? Neither one of us so much. I don't believe in any of it, and she's not been to church for ages.

But what I want to know, is where is the line of making fun, and causing grief, or really stepping on some toes. OK, here goes.

Living in Utah, you know that you have to run the gas out of your lawnmower every fall. If you don't, the stuff that's left, will leave a varnish on your carburetor. This will prevent it from starting in the spring. You do the same thing every spring with your snow blower.

Tonight, I took the, "turkey baister" I keep in the shed (oh, I see a HILLBILLY JOKE in THERE somewhere!) and after mowing the lawn to pick up the leaves the LAST time for this year, took all the gas I could get, searching every nook and cranny of the mowers gas tank, and put it into the gas can to use in the snow blower. Then, figuring the mower would run less than a minute, turned it on to run the gas out of the carburetor.

It ran for the entire hour and a half that my son and one of his friends and I were bagging leaves.

I don't claim to be a religious scholar. Hell, it took me three tries to SPELL, "Scholar". But I know a little about a lot.

And my first thought was, "Hanuka". A celebration, coming up next month, of having only one nights fuel for your lamp, and getting 8 days. That was a miracle. Eight days of light!

As a sociologist, I think THAT'S what I was thinking. But...

Being a smart ass, suburban, westerner, I also thought, "I have a Hanuka Lawnmower! I gave it one minute of fuel and it ran for 80. Is this a miracle? Living here in Utah, I have no one to ask. All the kids I went to school with who were named, Leavitt, were Mormons!"

Now, is that sacrilege, or just a funny? I mean no offense. I'm just drawing cultural references that being in Utah? Might be too far apart.

Please, comment. I need to know where the line is.

I kidded, Lisa about, "Kosher/Cajun food" I know she can take a joke. But does the, Haunuka joke cross the line?

The Stickley Diaries

It's been a rough couple of weeks around here, since the tyrannical government asserted itself again. Those of us here in, "The Compound" at the back of the circle, the Atheists and non-Republicans have managed to hold out. The, Tyrannical Election Assholes or, "TEA" baggers, started their terrorism a few days before the election. They shut down the power and the water. Good thing, Ernie's pool was still full.

We siphoned gas out of the expensive, foreign cars we all own (including, Ernie's T-Bird, GMC Pickup, my Camaro, Ford truck, and Pontiac, and, Ryan's Saturn) to keep the generator's running and protect the food supply. Foie gras spoils SO quickly, you know.

Ryan had to leave town for business in Reno, but he left us enough, Mission Tortilla's (thank God for our connection to Mexico for our basic food stuffs!) to keep us alive while he was gone. And his, "Hell Hound", Kora single handily protected our Southeastern flank. A Brazilian Mastiff, even under weight at 160 pounds, is still a formidable opponent.

And I know the bastards tried. While cleaning up after her today I noticed pieces of clothing and buttons in her scat. And what might have been part of, "Palin For President" campaign button. Kora (Kill Off Republican Assholes, the name WAS on purpose) acts really skittish, but it's just to get you confident enough to climb the fence. She's slow until it's YOU she's chasing.

I know the bastards tried to breach the north wall, too. They actually got close enough to steal a, "Turner For County Council" sign, even though they had to walk through twenty yards of tall, wet grass to steal it off my wall bordering a State Highway. The dogs must have scared them off. I was asleep, or I'd have unloaded on them with the sawed off!

The helicopters have been never ending. They fly east and west over my house. Between the new hospital and the entire west side of the valley, doing surveillance, no doubt. I try to keep them on their toes, and above tree level, by lobbing a few .357 shell's at em'. Especially when they are, "ALLEGEDLY" on their way TO the hospital to save lives. They aren't fooling me, by damn!

Ammunition has been a problem since the Republicans caught on to our plan to hoard all the center fire stuff for ourselves after the election. I should have known that, Darrin Evan's was just too smart for the rest of us when he told me six or eight years ago, in our AP&P office that he KNEW that was a Democratic Party plan, since he'd seen it in our Platform on the Internet. DAMN YOU RELIABLE INTERNET NEWS STORIES!

And I limited the range of our defensive lines by watching too many episodes of, "Pawn Stars". After all, I had no need for my father's .35 Remington deer rifle after his death a few years ago. I don't deer hunt.

And I could have kept that virtually worthless, Smith And Wesson Sigma Series .40 semi auto that wouldn't hit Canada at 25 yards. But since my friends at work bought me my TRULY lethal, Glock .40 upon my retirement, I just didn't need TWO 40. semi automatic handguns. How stupid! I was thinking like a reasonable person and NOT a Republican!

So I let the rifle go. I could have picked off the aggressors as far away as, Bullion, or maybe, Walden Ridge Drive with it. Instead, we had to rely on, Ernie's deer and elk guns. And I mostly, "threw in" the S&W for trade to get a new, high power, stainless steel, .357 handgun that I can actually USE, to say take on camping trips, or protect my house from a home invasion.

And the sawed off shotgun I bought, legally, for my wife when we found out she was losing her sight? So she could protect herself and our daughter while I was still working the streets at night and had received death threats from some guy I had put in prison? Well, it's not much help when protecting yourself from I tyrannical government! You need an assault rifle.

Or a ballot box.

Any one still reading along that's NOT in on the joke?

Two weeks ago, we changed governments in this country. And just like it's happened every time since 1776, it was peaceful. Other than the occasional punch in the nose, there was no blood shed. No riots in the street. And just like every time since the election of FDR (Republicans? Look him up) the sitting Democratic President lost control of at least ONE side of the Capitol. We've had, "The No Nothings", the, "John Birch Society", Ronald Regan, "The Militia Movement" and now, "The Tea Baggers" in reaction to EVERY Democrat elected since FDR.

The country didn't need to be TAKEN BACK! It never went anywhere! Relax, we will ALL get through this.

In two years, the Democrats will again be in control of the House, the Senate and the White House, two of the three branches of Government (again, Republicans? Look them up. House and Senate are ONE branch. Trust me). Because the Republicans won't do anything for fear of having to DO something, which would mean they won't get reelected! And around and around we go.

The only question then will be, will the Democrats have the balls with a President not ABLE to run for election to do the RIGHT thing, instead of the right thing to get elected. I hope so.

Road Rage. I Learned My Lesson Last Year.

First of all, Happy Veteran's Day to everyone who is one. I've learned over the years that I grew up in a time when there have been no wars we should have fought. But you don't ever want to see the Vet's treated like they were when they came home from, Viet Nam.

Last year on the Pacific Coast Highway, I stopped to let a jerk who was tailgating and honking at me, go around. He wouldn't. So I got out of the car to tell him to go around, and he tried to take the door off my car and run me over. Major damage to the Audi, Deb was still IN the car when he hit it on purpose, but wasn't hurt. We finished our trip, but it was noisy in the car.

I gave the CHP the guys license plate from Washington, but they didn't do shit.

Now, a year later, I'm heading west on 5900 South and stop at the light at State Street and I'm behind some guy with a pickup truck full of what looks to be office furniture, all held down by one strap across the top of the pile. And BOY is this guy moving slow! He barely gets across State Street before the light goes red again, and he's hitting his breaks every 20 yards or so. The pair of railroad tracks there at 300 West? Forgetaboutit! Two miles an hour, tops.

I don't judge this guy because I've moved before, and I know he's just being careful, but if he'd done a better job of securing his load, he wouldn't have kept me and the line of cars behind me, moving ten miles an hour under the speed limit. I don't think he was purposefully being rude, but he was keeping other people from where they needed to go, and my son had a soccer practice he was already going to be late for because of a doctor's appointment.

I just let it go, because I learned about road rager's last year. I wait until I'm in the passing zone, just west of I15 on 5900 S. and I pass him. He's only doing 20 miles an hour in a 30 zone. In the Audi, I'm around him in a second.

Can this, in any world, be construed as an, "Act Of War"? Was I out of line somehow? Did I do something wrong? It was, after all, a PASSING ZONE.

This guy went nuts! He starts honking his horn, and I didn't notice this until I moved back into the right lane, he had stepped on the gas! He was trying to keep me from coming back into the right lane, after CRAWLING over the railroad tracks to protect his furniture, he was now going as fast as the Audi! What happened to worrying about you crappy press wood furniture you red neck, asshole!

By the time I noticed he'd, "Stepped on it" when I came back over into my lane, I must have missed the front of his truck by less than a foot! WTF!

Who made this Jerk, "The Speed Limit Sheriff"? I'm not allowed to pass this guy in a passing zone? What the hell was this guy thinking?

So at 7th West, at the light, this guy pulls into the left turn lane, and I choose not to look at him. Don't give a damn who he is or what he looks like. Honestly, not ever sure it's a male, but his behavior was very, "Macho" and aggressive to I assume it was.

Why do people think this way? Why is everything a personal affront? Why do people get in the fast lane, the left lane, on any road, and drive at whatever speed they think EVERYONE should? How do you get that so self important?

From 7th West down Greenoaks all the way to my house the speed limit is 25, and I drive that or less, because I don't want people to speed through my neighborhood, and I'm sure those folks feel the same way. But passing you in a passing zone when you're driving ten miles an hour under the posted speed limit is an act of war? I don't get it.

I guess it's a good thing neither one of us was liquored up and carrying a gun. Or, maybe we were? I wasn't, can't speak for him.

It's not the end of the world.

The Election went poorly for well educated people who think the poor should have a safety net in the country, that a National Health Care System would help us compete internationally in manufacturing, that would like to see us quit locking up people for using marijuana and anyone in their right mind. But it's not all bad.

At least here in Murray, Tim Cosgrove defeated political novice, Shawn Bradley (no one told his parents that the name is spelled, Sean?). Who's entire campaign seemed to be based on the fact that he was the tallest candidate. Not the smartest. Not the best educated. Just the tallest.

I emailed his old employer, West Hill's School for Boys since he was reported in the Tribune as being a school counselor and Vice Principal there, to inquire about his academic qualifications for those two jobs, and they didn't get back to me. I emailed him, too. Nothing. A college drop out that was claiming qualifications to do two jobs that usually require advance degrees in the real world, wanted to represent ME, so he could try to funnel more public money to private, charter schools that don't require their staff to actually HAVE college degrees to teach? Yeah right. People in Murray will not fall for that.

Then there is, Lee Brinton, who wanted to be out State Senator. Lee has an education, no question. He's even teaching at SLCC. So he's not a dumb guy.

But I best remember him as the science nerd at Murray High who wrote a letter to the editor at the school paper complaining that the school had spent $75 to buy the football team pizza in 1976 after we won the first state championship at Murray High since 1954! He thought it could have been better spent on lab equipment. He lost big time to, Gene Davis who has represented our gerrymandered, District 3 very well.

Lee's family business, electronic appliance repair is now a used BMW dealership. I guess if he were a REAL Republican, he'd have kept it going instead of being on the, "Government Dole" as a, "Public Employee" teaching at a Community College. But you know what they say. Those who can do, those who can't, teach...

Sorry to all my friends who teach, but it was just too good a shot to NOT take.

In two years, things will change again. And, again, there will be no blood shed, no rioting in the street, no armed rebellion. Because this is America. And we all disagree, but we have shown that for the most part, that we can do it agreeably.

Now, since the D's have two months to still ram stuff down the R's throats, can we end the tax cuts for rich people while the President can still veto an override?