Do's and Don'ts of The Utah Criminal Justice System

An old friend of mine called today to ask for some advice about navigating the criminal justice system in Utah. If her story is to be believed, and I DO believe it, because I've seen this kind of thing happen before, she was involved in a traffic violation four years ago, was told it was dismissed, and then ended up arrested and booked in jail this week.

Think it can't happen to you? Think again. So I'm going to use my 20 years in Law Enforcement to give you some general guideline's to keep you from losing your mind, your money, and your dignity if you should happen to end up getting arrested. Even if you don't think you should be.

I'm not going to number them 1 to 10, because I don't want you to think any advice I'm going to give you is more or less important than anything else I tell you. It's all important.

For what ever reason you are being arrested, it is your fault. Even if you think the Cop is out of his mind, even if you think you are not/have not done anything wrong for what ever reason, you have attracted the attention of Law Enforcement. Your day in Court to present your side of the story will come weeks, maybe months later. The injuries you will receive for resisting arrest will be right NOW, and they will hurt for a long time. Pepper spray hurts, and even if you are proven right in court next year, the hurt you got right now is something you will never forget.

The guy or gal arresting you is carrying a gun, a taser, pepper spray, maybe a baton. They have a partner close buy and rest assured, they know the number where they can call as many Cops as they need to beat you to just this side of dead. And even if your right, you will still end up in jail, and jail sucks. So when they say you are under arrest, just say, "Alright, Officer" and put your hands behind your head, or your back or where ever they tell you to. It's OK to THINK, "I'm going to beat this rap in court and you're going to look like an asshole when I do, Copper!" Just keep it to yourself, and your life will be much easier. Do not commit, what those of us who worked the street, used to call, "Contempt of Cop" by being a smart ass. You will end up picking asphalt out of your clothing.

As a side note, I carried a collapsible baton for the last four years of my career. Never hit anyone with it, but it was well worth the $140 I paid for it. Because every time someone came at me like they wanted to fight, and I pulled that sucker out, and it, "CLICKED" into place with a sound like a .12 gauge shotgun racking, they always decided they didn't want to fight any more.

I once heard two SLCPD Officers talking about arresting a drunk guy in the jail booking area, and one said to the other, "You know, I'm convinced that the drunks only feel the baton TOMORROW! It doesn't have any effect while they're drunk." True story. Pepper spray and tasers work RIGHT NOW!

If you get a ticket or a summons, pay it or show up in court. It's that simple. And when you talk to someone at a court who tells you it's all taken care of, you should like my friend did, and this will save her ass, document who you talked to, get some paperwork and KEEP it! If you don't have a safe deposit box, get one of those home fire safes and use it.

Keep your address current on your drivers license, and keep it with you at all times. I know, you don't feel like you should be required to keep, "your papers" with you all the time or give the Cops your name for no reason. Well, according to The Constitution, you're right. But in real life, if you have done something to attract the attention of Law Enforcement, THEY are going to be able to articulate a reason they stopped and talked to you, and why they think they needed that information. You ever watch, "COPS"? Other than run FROM the Cops in the trailer park, most of the folks the Cops chase down didn't do anything illegal in FRONT of the Cops. But the Cops still chase them down and book them, right? Don't let this be you.

The one exception to this is in a traffic stop. If you have been pulled over, and you got your ticket, and the Cop says to you, "Do you mind if I search your car?" You should politely ask, "Officer/Trooper/Deputy (never call a UHP Trooper or Sheriff's Deputy, "Officer". They will know you're a dumb ass and try to find some reason to deal with you) are we done here? Am I free to go?". And if they say yes you are, then tell them no. And drive off. Even if you have nothing to hide, you have ever right to assert you're Fourth Amendment Rights. So do so.

Once you're in handcuffs, for what ever reason. whether you think you are rightly there or not, be on your best behavior, because your next stop is jail, and jail is an awful place.

Most people would tell you that the worst place in the world is Prison. Not so. It's jail. By the time someone has gotten to Prison, they have been to trial, probably been locked up for months. They have kicked their drug habit, cleaned themselves up, and are resigned to their fate. Not in jail.

Jail is where the homeless, drunk, drug addled, criminal and mentally ill START their road to where ever they are going to end up. And the beginning of that road is ugly. They may be wet because they pissed themselves, have been living under a tree, fell in a puddle, who knows. But they generally stink. They are probably drunk or high. And the staff of Correctional Officers at the jail has to deal with all of them. This may lead to some less than professional behavior at some times. But if you spend that much time in the shallow end of the human gene pool, you need to have a coping mechanism. Most use humor. If they didn't, they might have their heads explode. It's not an excuse for the way you are about to be treated, but it does explain it.

Also, if you're in your 50's and getting booked, the jail staff will NEVER believe you have never been in jail before. They can probably tell by looking at you that you don't really BELONG there, but they will be so cynical, that they think EVERYONE being booked has been there before. Don't take it personally.

Just an aside here, but I've been in jails and prisons all over the country. I used to take the extraditions that no one else wanted because I got paid for 12 hours a day that was spent mostly in a car or an airplane, got to have good meals paid for (even though a whole DAY of Per Diem would be worth ONE good steak in Chicago, and you went without the OTHER meals, or paid for them yourself, it was worth it) and I got to keep the airline miles.

They ALL smell the same. They all look the same. The inmates are all the same. And if you ever watch, "Inside American Jail", which is mostly in Las Vegas, I've been there a million times, it hasn't changed. If you are lucky enough to be booked into the Salt Lake County Adult Detention Center, you are getting booked into one of the cleanest, nicest jail's in the country. You could do worse.

All that being said, you are about to be groped, and manhandled. You will be searched well. you will feel violated. Sorry, you're in jail. Live with it. And they will cut out any jewelry you can't/won't remove. That ring you can't get off since you've been wearing it for 20 years? Thread and Cornhusker's lotion will get if off, trust me. I've seen it happen.

And since the booking staff at the jail sees the worst humanity has to offer, day in and day out, just try to be on your best behavior. If you don't know what to do, or what's going to happen, my best advice to you is to start every question you have with, "Excuse me, Officer. I've never been in jail before. Can you tell me..." and this might keep you out of trouble.

Oh, and don't ask for bottled water in the jail. The other inmates will know you've never been there before and take advantage of you. And the Officers will think you are out of your mind.

If you have to stay and don't get bailed or, "OR'd" (released on your Own Recognisance) just remember to, "do your own time". Meaning don't ask any one why they are in there, and don't tell them why you are.

When you are released, do what they told you to do! Go to court! And keep any piece of paper anyone hands you, for any reason. It might keep you out of jail later.

And if you get arrested for a DUI, don't hire a lawyer who's famous for defending murderer's (sorry, Ron Yengich if this hurts your business). Hire a lawyer who SPECIALIZES in DUI's!

Don't swat flys with a cannon. If you're accused of murder, call Yengich or my friend, Greg Skordas (801-531-7444 I SHOULD charge advertising on this blog!). But for minor stuff, go with a lawyer who handles THAT stuff.

Hell, I have a buddy from the Police Academy who quit law enforcement and went to law school. He was the Mesa, Arizona city attorney for a while. Now he's in private practice only taking "BUI" cases down there. Boating Under The Influence is a tiny niche, but he does it well.

So, get the right attorney.

And if you get convicted, for crying out loud do what they tell you! Pay the fine, show up at probation, complete the DUI/anger managment course, what ever! Just do it.

I hope this helps. If you have questions, email me. I'll be happy to give advice. But only on the basis that if I tell you that you're screwed, you listen to your attorney, OK?