I've noted before how much I try to avoid Utah County. I hate having to stop at the border in Lehi and have the car searched. They make sure I don't have any liquor, or books. And that I DO have a gun. It gets old.
But with this road construction, it's even worse. And tonight's soccer game was in Salem. Last time I was in a town called, Salem, there was a statue of Elizabeth Montgomery in a witch hat in the town square. The Utah Salem is much scarier.
I didn't mind driving through Spanish Fork. I honestly don't think I've ever been there before tonight. I had no reason to go. It's a pretty little town. Very much small town, America. And Salem is OK, too. As far as it goes.
It's the kind of place where when your sitting at the soccer game, and you hear a cow moo, you have to wonder if it's some clowns cell phone, or a real cow. I kind of like that. In limited doses.
I was talking to Alan DeMann during the game, and he said he'd love to live in a place like this. I told him I would too, but it would be with my second wife. If I told Deb we were moving to a small town, she would divorce me in a minute.
And it would never be in Utah County.
It was a new high school, so they had nice facilities. The soccer field was great and had bleachers for both teams fans. Of course the home town fans didn't use theirs, across from their team bench. They just sat by the Murray fans cause they didn't want to walk the extra fifty feet. Turned out to be a bad idea.
If you are gong to yell your brains out in support of your team, while sitting next to the visiting teams parents, and you don't HAVE to because you have your own bleachers? Make sure your boys show up. By the time your yelling, "GO SALEM, YOU'VE GOT THIS!" and you're down 8-1? You look and sound the serious fool.
But hey, it's Utah County! The Bubble. Miracles happen there all the time, right? Wrong.
The game ended 13-1. My son, the defensive specialist, who spent the whole game playing Fullback, never taking a shot, scored the last goal. He got to the ball the same time as the Salem goalie and they both kicked, and Danny's foot won. The ball popped up, over the goalie and rolled, slowly, into the net with him jogging behind it to make sure no one would stop it. He could have hammered it into the back of the net, but this was better. It really kind of rubbed it in for the parents from down there, sitting next to the parents from, "north of the border". We got to clap longer. Loved it.
If you're going to make me drive to a foreign country, half way to Las Vegas through the war zone that is I15 construction in Utah County? At least give us a game. They need a mercy rule in soccer. If they had called the game with a ten goal lead? I could have been home in time to see the whole Blues/Kings game instead of just the last period.
Then we got up to leave, and my gun almost fell out of the back of my pants. This could be embarrassing. So I have to hand her folding chair back to Deb. She knows what's going on, because I'm grabbing the small of my back like it was on fire.
"Why do you even bring a gun down here?" she asks.
Well, I bring a gun to Utah County, because it's required for entry into the county. Not really.
I bring a gun to Utah County because I'm a left wing, atheist, Democrat and a graduate of The University of Utah. The kind of person they hate in Utah County.
The last time we attended a soccer game in Utah County, I broke a holster. The plastic clip that holds it inside my pants and onto the belt broke. Between the soccer field and the place the team was having lunch, I passed three gun stores. So replacing it was not a problem. This tells you all you need to know about Utah County.
You break a holster in New York City? You could have some trouble with that! Trust me. Been there. Not a lot of, "gun stores".
"I bring a gun to Utah County because I drive a German car, with a University of Utah license plate and a PAC 12 license plate frame with a bumper sticker that says, "Dogs Against Romney, I ride INSIDE!" on it and I want to get OUT of Utah County ALIVE!" I tell her.
She seems to understand.
By the time, "Joe Hollywood" the goal scoring Fullback has changed out of his uniform, into sweat pants and a white tank top with a pair of Wayfarer sunglasses and mossies over to the car, his mother has to pee so bad she's ready to kill him. He's always the last one off the field.
So our next stop is the local gas/grocery, "stop and rob" a block from the high school. Hope the restrooms are open.
When we walk in, I see something I find, well, unbelievable. Between the regular grocery store part of the place, and the restrooms is a room, probably ten by ten, FILLED, floor to ceiling with shit that is only associated with that horrible, "Toddlers And Tiera's" show! I shit you not!
This is unreal. Frilly dresses, high heeled shoes the size of a Matchbox Car, all the crazy stuff you could ever imagine. And every few feet is a picture of a little girl, trying to look like a CALL girl! How popular is this, "kiddie pageant" thing in this part of the country? Wow.
I'm still trying to figure this out. I mean, if I want to over sexualize my three year old little girl and screw up her ego for the rest of her life? My first stop is always the local, Conoco.
This is so weird, it can ONLY happen in Utah County. I hope.
Stopped in a little Mexican place on the main drag through, "Spanish" for dinner and then got out of, The Bubble as quick as I could.
I'll take the Salem with the witches over the one with the witches who buy their kiddie beauty pageant stuff at the local gas and go, every time.
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