The OTHER Bucket List

There has been a lot of talk, since the movie came out a few years ago, about what's on your, "Bucket List".  The list of stuff you want to accomplish before you kick the bucket.  Die.

We all have one.  But as you get older, I think your list changes.  You start crossing off stuff like, "Have sex with the, Playmate of the year", and, "Shoot a Bear with a handgun", or, "Pitch one game in the Major Leagues".  Cause you know that at your advanced age, you might shoot that bear, but your major league prospects are dim, and unless you have a WHOLE lot of money or publish the most popular men's magazine in history, you're not sleeping with anyone who looks like that.

I've kind of started mentally keeping a different kind of bucket list.  The stuff getting thrown in that bucket, is the kind of stuff you are disregarding.  I mean in a, "God, I'm glad I don't ever have to do THAT again!"  Or, "I'm really glad I was never, drunk/stoned/crazy/mentally ill enough to have thought THAT was a good idea!"  And now you're just, too, damn, old. 

I was thinking about this today when a story came on about, The Burning Man Festival.  I guess if I was working on a documentary film crew, and could go back to a motel every night?  I might have wanted to see that.  But I'm glad I was never crazy enough to think going there was a good idea.

And doing, "No Knock Search Warrants" in meth labs.  Or for that matter spending ANY time in meth labs, would be on the list.  Did it, survived it, even though it was probably a contributing factor to the recent bladder cancer diagnosis.  I'll fight the cancer.  I'm just happy no one shot me!

Chaperoning your daughter's 5th grade class on a field trip to the state fair is on that list.  I wish I'd counted how many times I told a group of boys, "Don't walk behind the cows!  They will kick you.  Stay here until the farmer has moved her", right before that kid got kicked out the barn door and onto the asphalt.  By the end of that day?  I was ready to be kicked in the head by a cow.

Impressing women is on the list.  Which is NOT the same as being nice to them.  I'm always going to try to be nice to my wife and the other women in my life.  I just, no longer feel the need to impress pretty girls.

My wife and I have been married 27 years.  I think that die has been cast.  We're not always happy with each other, but I'm pretty sure we're going to be with each other for ever.  And I'm real sure I won't do any better.  I really like the company of my young women friends.  My former partner, my friend the comedian cracks me up when I see her shows.  My friend, Diane, who my kids grew up calling, "Aunt Di".  I love to be around all of them.  But trust me, by the time you get to be 50?  You are really sure you like them for all the right reasons.  And, "pretty" is not on the list of those reasons.

Pretty is a good bonus, but if pretty is all you got?  It won't get me to play golf with you, or buy a ticket to your show or take a bullet for you.  Pretty is all over the place.  Real friends are a lot more valuable to you when your 50 than when you're 25.

Big rock shows are on the list.  My first live concert was, Led Zeppelin when I was in the 8th grade.  It was at the Salt Palace, and the ticket cost $8.50.  I don't like the crowds, I don't like the drunks, and I don't like the smoke.  Tobacco and otherwise.

I'll make exceptions for Jimmy Buffett shows, cause that's a whole other type of atmosphere.  And I have to admit, that if I got a chance to see, "The Boss" live?  I'd put up with all that shit.  But just once.

So this is just a partial list.  I'm sure I'll be expanding it in the future.  And if any of you OTHER old guys out there, have some suggestions?  I'll all ears.  I mean, the list is endless.  I'm sure you've all had a moment when you've said, "Wow.  I'm glad I'll never have to do THAT again!" haven't you?

I'd love to hear about it.